One-Liner Jokes

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My kid said, 'Dad, I'm going to be an astronaut when I grow up.' I said, 'That's great! What made you decide?' He said, 'Because I want to be the person who looks down at the whole world from up there and says, That's where I keep my keys. I'm not going up there for science. I'm going up there for the perspective. I want to look at the Earth and say, Yeah, that's where I put my keys. That's where I always put my keys. Down there. In the stuff. In the general vicinity. I'm going to space so I can confirm that my keys are on the ground.'

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My toddler walked up to me, looked at my phone, and said, 'Dad, why are you talking to that rectangle?' I said, 'I'm texting your aunt.' He said, 'You're talking to a rectangle. The rectangle is not your aunt. The rectangle is a rectangle. Your aunt is a person. You're talking to furniture.'

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My five-year-old asked, 'Dad, why do we call it a supermarket if nothing in it is super?'

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My five-year-old asked, 'Dad, why do we call it a bathroom if you can't bathe in it?' I said, 'Because you can take a bath in it, buddy.'

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My kid asked, "Dad, why do we say 'you're welcome' when someone says thank you?"

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My kid asked, "Dad, why do we say 'good morning' to the barista?"

10

I told my kid, 'You know what? You're not lazy. You're in energy conservation mode.' He said, 'That's a great explanation.' I said, 'Yeah, and the mode has a bug. It never turns off.'

74

My kid said, 'Dad, I need to confess something.' I said, 'What?' He said, 'I ate the last cookie and I told Mom it was the cat.'

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My kid asked, 'Dad, why do you say I'm hungry when you just ate forty minutes ago?' I said, 'Because I am.' He said, 'You had a sandwich.'

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My four-year-old asked me why we say 'I'm five minutes away' when we're clearly not. I said, 'It's a polite way of saying I'm not there yet.' He said, 'So it's a lie.' I said, 'It's a... negotiation.' He said, 'I'm going to use that at school.'

64

My kid asked me why we call it a 'self-checkout' when the self part is clearly optional and the checkout part is clearly not. I said, 'I don't know, buddy.' He said, 'That's what I told the machine when it asked for my receipt. It's still asking.'