0DoctorMy doctor said, 'I want you to cut down on processed food.' I said, 'Doc, I eat a sandwich for lunch. Bread, meat, cheese. How processed can a sandwich get?' She said, 'The bread is processed. The cheese is processed. The meat was processed. The wrapper was processed. The hand you ate it with was processed by the sun.'Show PunchlineShare
16FamilyI bought a new coffee machine that claims to brew the perfect cup every time.Show PunchlineShare
57AnimalsMy neighbor's goldfish has been in the same bowl for three years. I asked, 'Doesn't it get bored?'Show PunchlineShare
50DoctorMy doctor said, 'You need to manage your stress better.' I said, 'I do manage it. I just do it by staring at the ceiling fan for six hours and letting my brain replay every awkward thing I've said since 2003.' He said, 'That's not stress management, that's stress archaeology.'Show PunchlineShare
0FamilyMy wife said, 'Can you take the kids to their recital?' I said, 'Sure.' I took them. The recital was forty-five minutes. My daughter sang for ninety seconds. My son played the recorder for one minute and fifteen seconds. I sat in a folding chair in a school gymnasium and listened to a child named Brayden play 'Ode to Joy' on a slightly out-of-tune flute. I clapped. I was the loudest. I was the only one.Show PunchlineShare
16HolidayMy kid made his Easter basket and said, 'I'm putting the chocolate eggs in the back.' I said, 'Why the back?'Show PunchlineShare
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