Doctor Jokes

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My doctor said, 'You need to do more stretching.' I said, 'Doc, I stretch every morning.' She said, 'Really? What do you do?' I said, 'I reach for the top shelf in the kitchen.' She said, 'That's not stretching. That's reaching.'

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My doctor said, 'You need to cut back on your caffeine.' I said, 'Doc, I only have one coffee in the morning.' She said, 'And the two in the afternoon?' I said, 'Those aren't coffee. Those are negotiations with the afternoon. The afternoon is being difficult, so I'm having a conversation with it. Over a mug of something warm. It's diplomacy. I'm in the diplomacy phase of the day.'

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My doctor said, 'You need to drink more water. At least eight glasses a day.' I said, 'Doc, I drink water all day long. I'm constantly sipping.'

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My doctor said, 'I want you to reduce your salt intake.' I said, 'Doc, I barely eat salt. I don't even put it on my food.'

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My doctor said, 'I want you to try a new approach to managing your anxiety. Here's a little journal. Write down one thing that went well each day.'

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My doctor said, 'I want you to try a new protein supplement. Here's the prescription.' I looked at it. It said: two eggs, a chicken breast, and a glass of water, three times daily.

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My doctor said, 'Try a new stress technique. When you feel overwhelmed, name five things you can see.' I tried it at home. I named the ceiling, the cat, the mail, the ceiling again, and the cat again.

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My doctor said, 'You need to learn to say no to things that drain you.' I said, 'Doc, I say no all the time.' She said, 'Really? To what?'

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My doctor said, 'I want you to try some meditation. Even ten minutes a day would help.' I said, 'Doc, I meditate every single day.'

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My doctor said, 'I need you to cut back on your screen time before bed.' I said, 'Doc, I barely use screens at night. I'm a very analog person.'

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My doctor said, 'I want you to try a new supplement for joint health.' I said, 'What's in it?' She said, 'Turmeric, ginger, and a little bit of vitamin C.' I said, 'That's a smoothie.' She said, 'It's in a capsule.'

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My doctor said, 'I want you to keep a food diary. Write down everything you eat for a week.' I did. Monday: toast. Tuesday: toast. Wednesday: toast. Thursday: toast. Friday: toast. Saturday: toast. Sunday: toast. I brought it to her.

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My doctor said, "You need to get more sleep. At least seven hours a night."

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My doctor said, "You need to stop working on your phone during meals."

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My doctor said, 'You need to reduce your stress.' I said, 'Doc, I'm not stressed.' She said, 'Your blood pressure says otherwise.'