Doctor Jokes

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My doctor said, 'You need to find a healthy way to cope with stress.' I said, 'I go for a walk.' She said, 'How long do you walk?' I said, 'About ninety seconds. From the couch to the kitchen. Get a glass of water. Walk back.'

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My doctor said, 'You need to find a healthy way to cope with stress.' I said, 'I have a system. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and think about how I really don't want to do this.'

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My doctor said, 'You need to reduce your screen time.' I said, 'Doc, I turn off my phone at 10 PM.' She said, 'What about before 10?'

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My doctor said, 'You need to get more exercise.' I said, 'Doc, I walk to the mailbox every single day.' She said, 'That's not enough.'

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My doctor said, 'You need to reduce your sodium intake.' I said, 'Doc, I don't add salt to my food.' She said, 'What about the bread?'

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My doctor said, 'You need to take up a hobby.' I said, 'Doc, I have a hobby.' She said, 'What is it?'

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My doctor said, 'You need to reduce your caffeine intake.' I said, 'Doc, I have one coffee in the morning.' She said, 'That's still a lot.' I said, 'It is one coffee. It is a single cup. I hold it. I drink from it. I put it down. The coffee is in my stomach. I am a person who had a coffee. I am not a person who is in a relationship with coffee. A coffee person has coffee at two PM. A coffee person has an iced latte on a Thursday. A coffee person has a coffee shop they go to every morning at the same time. I have one coffee. In the morning. I am not a coffee person. I am a one-coffee-in-the-morning person. I am a person who had a coffee. Once. In the morning. Like a responsible adult. Like a person who is not a coffee person. There is a difference. There is a whole category of human between me and a coffee person and that category is called I'm fine.'

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My doctor said, 'You need to eat more fiber.' I said, 'Doc, I eat a pear every morning.' She said, 'That's not enough.' I said, 'I eat one pear. Every morning. The pear is a fruit. The fruit contains fiber. I am consuming fiber on a daily basis. I have a daily fiber appointment. The pear and I have a relationship. It is a one-pear-per-day relationship. I am not ignoring fiber. I am just singular in my approach. A fiber person eats six pears and a kale salad. I eat one pear. I am not a fiber person. I am a one-pear person. These are different categories of human.'

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My doctor asked, 'How many hours of sleep do you get?' I said, 'Seven.' She said, 'And how's the quality?' I said, 'I go to bed at 11:15. I wake up at 6:15. In between, I am unconscious. I am not in the room. I am not in the bed. I am in the sleep. The quality of the sleep is that I am not in the room. There is no quality to being unconscious. It's just... not being here.'

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My doctor said, 'How's your sleep?' I said, 'Terrible. I'm up at 3 AM every night.' She said, 'What are you doing at 3 AM?' I said, 'I'm negotiating with the ceiling. I've been negotiating with the ceiling for six weeks. Last night I offered it a better deal. It didn't take it. I think it's going to hold out until I move apartments.'

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My doctor said, 'You need to stop multitasking.' I said, 'Doc, I'm not multitasking. I'm doing one thing.' She said, 'You're holding your phone while you're talking to me.' I said, 'I'm not on my phone. I'm holding my phone. The phone is in my hand. I'm not looking at it. I'm looking at you.'

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My doctor asked, 'How many alcoholic drinks do you have per week?' I said, 'Doc, I don't drink.' She said, 'What about wine with dinner?' I said, 'That's not drinking. That's a liquid condiment. I'm not consuming a beverage. I'm seasoning my meal.'

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My doctor said, 'You need to reduce your stress.' I said, 'Doc, I'm stressed.' She said, 'I can see that. Your shoulders are up here.' I said, 'My shoulders are up here because I'm holding them up. I'm carrying things.'

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My doctor said, 'You need to cut back on processed food.' I said, 'Doc, I don't eat processed food.' She said, 'What about the chips?' I said, 'Those aren't processed. They're potatoes that went to finishing school. They got a little crispy. They got a little salty. They're not processed. They're elevated.'

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My doctor said, 'You need to reduce your screen time before bed.' I said, 'Doc, I put my phone face down on the nightstand.' She said, 'And then?' I said, 'And then I stared at the ceiling for forty-five minutes. The ceiling is not a screen. But it's a surface. And I was looking at it. And it was flat. And it was in front of my face. Is that screen time? Is the ceiling a screen? I need you to clarify. I need to know if I'm in violation of your rules by looking at a wall.'