Doctor Jokes

5

My doctor said, 'I want you to keep a food diary for two weeks. Write down everything you eat, when, and how you felt afterward.' I said, 'Doc, I eat a granola bar at nine, a sandwich at noon, soup at six, and then at eleven PM I open the fridge and stare at it for twenty minutes like it owes me money. Is the staring part of the diary?' She said, 'Yes. That is the most important entry. We need to address the staring.'

44

My doctor said, 'You need to incorporate more physical activity into your daily routine.' I said, 'Doc, I'm a person who gets off the couch to get a glass of water, walks to the kitchen, drinks it, walks back, and gets back on the couch. That is my daily routine.' She said, 'That's not activity, that's a migration pattern.'

70

My doctor said, 'You need to learn to say no.' I said, 'Doc, I say no all the time. I say no to the second slice of pizza. I say no to the third glass of wine. I say no to the just-one-more episode.'

42

My doctor said, 'You need to stop multitasking. Focus on one thing at a time.'

19

My doctor said, 'I'm going to prescribe you a new medication. You'll take one every morning with breakfast.'

31

My doctor said, 'How's your stress level been?' I said, 'Great. I have a system.' She said, 'Tell me about it.'

63

My doctor said, 'You need to cut back on your salt intake.' I said, 'Doc, I'm a person who stirs soup twice to see if it needs salt. I can't cut back.'

41

My doctor said, 'You need to practice deep breathing.' I said, 'I do. I have a system.' She said, 'Tell me about it.'

42

My doctor said, 'You need to reduce your screen time.' I said, 'Doc, I'm literally staring at a screen right now.'

15

My doctor said, 'You need to get more exercise.' I said, 'I do. I walk to the kitchen, I walk back to the couch. That's a round trip. I do it six times a day.' She said, 'That's not exercise, that's a commute.'

41

My doctor said, 'I need you to describe your anxiety to me.' I said, 'Okay. So I have a spreadsheet in my brain. It has columns for "what could go wrong," "what already went wrong," and "what I should have done differently about the thing that already went wrong." And the spreadsheet is updating in real time.'

25

My doctor said, 'How's your sleep been?' I said, 'I sleep great. I have a perfect system.' She said, 'Tell me about it.' I said, 'I fall asleep at 11. I wake up at 3. I fall back asleep at 3:15. I wake up at 5:47. I fall back asleep at 5:50. I wake up at 6.'

24

My doctor said, 'I've looked at your results and everything looks normal.' I said, 'That's great!' She said, 'Well, everything looks normal for a person who has been eating gas station sandwiches for eleven years.'

67

My pediatrician asked my five-year-old, 'Do you eat your vegetables?' My kid looked at me. I said, 'Tell the doctor the truth.' My kid said, 'I eat my vegetables. I eat them, I chew them, and I put them on the edge of my plate where nobody can see me not finishing them.'

5

I told my dentist, 'I grind my teeth at night.' She said, 'How do you know?' I said, 'My wife says I sound like a lawnmower.' She said, 'That's not a grinding sound. That's a startup sound.'