Family Jokes

61

My wife told me to 'take out the trash' on a Tuesday. I took out the trash. She said, 'And the recycling.' I took out the recycling. She said, 'And the compost.' I said, 'We don't have compost.'

25

My son asked me to 'hold his hand through the crosswalk' like in the movies. I held his hand. He held the other hand. I looked down. He was gripping my hand with both of his hands.

14

My brother asked me to watch his kid for an hour while he went to a meeting. I watched the kid for an hour. The kid watched me for an hour.

52

My daughter asked why we can't have a pet dragon. I said, 'Because they're not real.' She said, 'Exactly. You don't know what they're like. I've seen the documentaries.'

76

My brother asked me to help him move and I showed up with a truck, a dolly, and a six-pack of water.

41

My mom called to announce she's 'retiring' from the family group chat after eleven years of active participation.

46

My wife challenged me to cook dinner without checking a recipe book.

63

My dad tried to assemble the new bookshelf without reading the instructions.

29

We decided to have a family meeting about who eats the last cookie.

30

My dad tried to teach the family dog how to play chess.

45

My wife asked me to fix the leaky faucet before she left for work.

36

My dad told me that being a good father means always knowing where your kids are.

47

My son asked why we always drive the same route to school every morning.

62

My dad asked if I knew why the house was so quiet today compared to yesterday.

11

My brother challenged me to a video game tournament where the loser had to clean the garage.