Dating Jokes

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My friend said, 'On our date, she asked what I was looking for in a relationship.' He said, 'I said, Someone kind, funny, who makes me laugh. She said, What about ambition? Goals? Future plans?'

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My friend said, 'On our date, he asked where I see myself in five years.' I said, 'And what did you say?' He said, 'I said, I see you, sitting across from me, eating pasta. He said, That's not an answer. I said, It is. It's the most honest answer I've given all day.'

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My friend said, 'On our date, she asked if I had any hobbies.' I said, 'And what did you say?' He said, 'I said I like to read and I like to walk. She said, That's it? No passions? No creative outlet?'

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My friend said, 'On our date, he asked what I do on a Saturday.' I said, 'And what did you say?' He said, 'I said I sleep in, make coffee, read a book, and watch a show. He said, That sounds really boring.'

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My friend said, 'On our date, she asked if I was the type to plan things.' I said, 'And what did you say?'

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My friend said, 'On our second date, she told me she likes guys who are ambitious.' I said, 'And what did you say?'

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My friend said, 'On our date, he asked me what my love language is.' I said, 'And what did you say?' He said, 'I said, Quality time. He said, So you like spending time together? I said, Yes. He said, Great, I'm free Saturday, Sunday, and Tuesday. I said, I said quality time, not quantity time. I didn't say I want a schedule. I didn't say I want a recurring calendar block. I said I want to be in a room with a person I like, for a reasonable amount of time, without it feeling like a meeting with a dinner component. I want a date. I don't want a standing appointment with appetizers. I don't want to be on his calendar. I want to be in his evening. There is a difference between being on a calendar and being in an evening. One is a time slot. The other is a feeling. I want the feeling. He gave me the time slot.'

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My friend said, 'On our date, she asked me if I had any red flags.' I said, 'And what did you say?' He said, 'I said, I'm a little disorganized. She said, That's a red flag. I said, I also leave my keys in weird places. She said, Another red flag. I said, I once microwaved a metal spoon. She said, That's not a red flag. That's a whole flag. That's a flag with a flag on it. That's a flag parade. I said, You're not supposed to count them. You're supposed to notice them. She said, I am noticing them. I'm just doing it with enthusiasm. I said, That's not how red flags work. You're supposed to be quietly concerned. She was doing a cheerleading routine with my character flaws.'

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My friend said, 'On our date, she told me she's very independent.' I said, 'That's great.' He said, 'I said, Me too, I'm very independent. She said, So you'd be fine if I went out with my friends on Friday? I said, Yeah, I'm independent. She said, Great, I'm going to France for three weeks in June. I said, I'm independent, I'll be fine. She said, That's not what I meant by independent. I meant I make my own decisions. I said, I know. I'm making the independent decision to go home and eat cereal.'

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My friend said, 'On our date, he said he's really into shared experiences. I said, Me too. And he said, So what do you think we should do this weekend? And I said, I was thinking we could go hiking. And he said, That sounds great, what trail? And I said, The one at Miller's Park. And he said, I've been there. Let's do something new.'

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My friend said, 'On our date, she told me she's really into spontaneity. I said, Me too, I love that. And she said, So what do you think we should do tonight? And I said, I was thinking of that restaurant we looked at online last week. And she said, That's not spontaneous. That's planned. And I said, You asked me what I thought we should do. And she said, I asked you to be spontaneous, not to propose a plan.'

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My friend said, 'On our date, she asked me what I look for in a partner.' I said, 'That's a reasonable question. What did you say?' He said, 'I said, "Someone kind." She said, "That's it? Kind?" I said, "Yeah. Someone who doesn't yell. Who doesn't throw things. Who says please and thank you. Who holds the door."'

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My friend said, 'On our date, he asked if I was a go-with-the-flow person.' I said, 'That's a fair question. What did you say?' He said, 'I said, "Yes, I'm very flexible." He said, "Great, I'm thinking of Indian food." I said, "Sure, I'm flexible." He said, "Actually, I'm thinking of that one restaurant on Fifth Street." I said, "I'm flexible." He said, "Actually, I just realized I'm thinking of home-cooked. Can you cook?"'

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My friend said, 'On our date, he told me he's a people person.' I said, 'And?' He said, 'I said, That's great, I'm a people person too. He said, No, I mean I like being around people. At parties. At restaurants. In groups. I said, Oh, you like being around people. He said, Yes, but I prefer one-on-one. I said, That's not a people person. That's a person who is around people. A people person is a person who IS the people. You're a person who is near people. There's a distinction. You're a person with a proximity preference.'

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My friend said, 'On our date, she asked me what I value most in a relationship.' I said, 'What did you say?' He said, 'I said, Honesty. She said, Oh good, so be honest. How do you feel about this restaurant? I said, It's fine. She said, That's not honest. That's diplomatic. I asked for honesty. I said, I was honest. It IS fine. Fine is a feeling. I was reporting my data. I gave you the accurate temperature of my experience with this restaurant. It is fine. It is not great. It is not bad. It is fine. I was being a truth-teller.'