Holiday Jokes

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My kid looked at the Thanksgiving turkey and said, 'Mom, why do we carve it at the table?' I said, 'Because it's traditional.' He said, 'It's not tradition. You're standing there with a knife. Everyone is watching. You're doing a live demonstration of how to cut a bird in front of an audience that already knows how to cut a bird.'

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My kid looked at the Christmas cracker and said, 'Mom, why do we pull it?' I said, 'Because it's fun and it has a surprise inside.'

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My kid looked at the cranberry sauce and said, 'Mom, what is that?' I said, 'It's cranberry sauce. It goes with the turkey.'

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My kid looked at the Thanksgiving menu and said, 'Mom, why is there so much food?' I said, 'Because it's traditional and we want everyone to be full.'

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My kid looked at the Hanukkah gelt and said, 'Mom, why is the chocolate in a foil wrapper?' I said, 'Because it's traditional and it keeps it fresh.' He said, 'It's a coin. It's a chocolate coin. It's wrapped in foil. It looks like money. I'm holding chocolate money. I'm not holding chocolate. I'm holding a financial instrument made of cocoa. I'm going to eat my savings. I'm going to consume my portfolio. I'm going to liquidate my assets. This is not a treat. This is a financial event. I am a child who is about to eat his own investment. The gelt is not a candy. The gelt is a retirement fund I'm spending before I'm five.'

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My kid looked at the Christmas tree and said, 'Mom, why is there a star on top?' I said, 'Because it represents the Star of Bethlehem.' He said, 'It's a star-shaped object. It is in a star shape. It is on top of a tree. It is not in the sky. It is not in Bethlehem. It is in the living room. It is on a plastic tree. The star is not navigating. The star is not guiding shepherds. The star is decorating. The star is a star that gave up its job, moved indoors, and became a tree hat. It's not a celestial body. It's a plastic doily with points.'

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My kid looked at the Easter basket and said, 'Mom, why do we hide the eggs?' I said, 'Because it's a game and it's fun.' He said, 'It's not a game. You hide the eggs. I look for the eggs. You know where the eggs are. I don't. You are hiding things from me. That's not a game. That's you being a spy and me being the civilian. I'm not playing. I'm being searched.'

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My kid looked at the Hanukkah menorah and said, 'Mom, why do we light one candle every night?' I said, 'Because it celebrates light and hope.' He said, 'It's not hope. By night eight, there are eight flames. Plus the shamash. Nine flames. In the living room. Near the couch. Near the curtains. Near the cat.'

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My kid looked at the Advent calendar and said, 'Mom, why do we open one per day?' I said, 'Because it builds anticipation.' He said, 'It's not anticipation. It's a twenty-four-day delay. I want the chocolate. I'm being made to wait. Every day I open one door, there's a chocolate, and then I have to wait another day.'

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My kid said, 'Mom, why do we have to sing carols at Christmas?' I said, 'Because it's a tradition and it's joyful.' He said, 'It's not joyful. It's loud. A group of people in a room. They're making noise. They're making the same noise. Over and over.'

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My kid said, 'Mom, why do we have to eat so much at Christmas dinner?' I said, 'Because it's a special occasion and we want to enjoy it together.' He said, 'I'm not enjoying it. I'm filling a container. I was a container at 5 PM. Now I'm a container at 7 PM. The turkey went in. The potatoes went in. The pie went in. I am no longer a human.'

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My kid looked at the Christmas crackers on the table and said, 'Mom, why do we have to pull them?' I said, 'Because it's fun and someone gets a funny hat.' He said, 'It's not fun. It's a paper tube. You pull it. It goes bang. A hat comes out. You put the hat on. The hat is paper. The hat is the size of a thimble. You are putting a thimble-sized paper hat on your head. And then you laugh. And then you take it off. And that's the whole event.'

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My kid looked at the Thanksgiving table and said, 'Mom, why is the gravy on a separate boat?' I said, 'Because it's a traditional serving vessel.' He said, 'It's a boat. You put the gravy in a boat. The turkey is on a plate. The potatoes are on a plate. The corn is on a plate. The green beans are on a plate. The gravy is in a boat. We are having a Thanksgiving on a river. The gravy is sailing. The turkey is on land. The potatoes are on land. The gravy is the only thing that's on the water.'

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My kid asked, 'Mom, why do we have to eat turkey at Thanksgiving?' I said, 'Because it's tradition.' He said, 'The turkey didn't ask to be a tradition. The turkey was a bird. Now it's a holiday. I don't even like holidays. I like sandwiches.'

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My kid said, 'Mom, why do we have to open presents on Christmas morning and not Christmas Eve?' I said, 'Because Santa delivers them on the night of the 24th and we open them in the morning.' He said, 'So Santa puts the presents under the tree at 2 AM, and then I have to sit in a chair until 7 AM to open them.'