Holiday Jokes

21

My kid asked me, 'Why do we say happy holidays to people we know are sad?' I said, 'It's a general greeting.' He said, 'That's not a greeting, that's a denial. You're looking at their face, they're clearly not happy, and you're saying happy holidays like a robot reading a script. It's like saying enjoy your flight to someone who's already crying at the gate.'

79

My kid asked me, 'Why do we have to say Merry Christmas to people we've never met?' I said, 'It's polite.' He said, 'I've never met the mailman. I don't know his name. I don't know if he's merry. He might be having a really bad day and the only thing he wants to hear is that his package is in the lobby.' I said, 'That's not what I said.'

68

My kid asked me, 'Why do we open presents on Christmas morning instead of Christmas night? Santa already delivered them. We should just open them while he's still in the room.' I said, 'Because that's how it works.' He said, 'That's not how it works. That's how we do it. There's a difference.' I said, 'What's the difference?'

5

My kid made a Thanksgiving 'helping' plan. He said, 'I'm in charge of the potatoes.' I said, 'That's great! What's your specific role?' He said, 'I'm in charge of making sure nobody forgets to eat them. I'm the potato supervisor.' I said, 'That's a real job.'

25

My kid asked why we put the tree up before Christmas. I said, 'So it's ready.' He said, 'But it's been ready for two weeks. It's been sitting there being ready. When does it get to stop being ready?' I said, 'On the 25th.' He said, 'And then what?' I said, 'And then we take it down.'

32

We tried a 'family movie night' for the holidays. My kid picked a two-hour animated film. Thirty minutes in, he said, 'This is good.' An hour in, he said, 'This is still good.' An hour and forty minutes in, he said, 'Okay, I'm done. I'm going to go eat a snack.' We were at the credits. He said, 'Why is the movie still on? It's over. Go home.'

33

My kid asked Santa for 'a dog' on his Christmas list. I said, 'Buddy, that's a pretty big ask for a letter.' He said, 'I wrote it in the big blue pen. That's how you make it sound serious.'

34

My kid asked me, 'Why do we have to wait until Christmas morning to open presents?' I said, 'Because that's the tradition.'

61

My kid asked me, 'Why does Santa only come once a year?' I said, 'Because he's very busy.'

45

I told my kid that Christmas is about 'giving, not getting.'

60

I told my kid he could write one letter to Santa, up to fifty lines. He used all fifty.

79

My kid made a 'Christmas wish list' and I asked him to narrow it to three items. He said, 'I want a bicycle, a robot, and for you to stop saying "I'll get to it" and actually get to the thing.'

19

We tried a 'family game night' for Christmas. My son chose a board game. My wife chose a different board game. I chose a third. We ended up playing three games simultaneously in different rooms, calling out scores through the hallway.

17

We tried a 'no-competition Christmas' where the kids just play together and nobody scores points. My son lasted four minutes before he looked at his brother and said, 'I'm winning at this.' His brother said, 'You're not even playing a game.'

65

My kid made a 'gratitude list' for Thanksgiving and read it to the whole table.