One-Liners Jokes

10

My daughter asked me to 'pretend to be a dinosaur' so she could practice her roar. I roared. She roared louder. I roared even louder. She started crying.

24

I told my wife I was going to 'just check the thermostat' in the other room. It's been forty-five minutes.

81

My toddler asked me to explain what a deadline is, and I said it's when something has to be finished by a certain time.

58

I told my wife I was going to organize the garage this weekend and asked her to write down a plan for me.

29

I finally learned how to fold fitted sheets perfectly last week.

34

My shadow asked me if it was time to move on.

45

I invented a new word today that means having too many passwords to remember.

28

My grandfather says he's too old to learn video games because the controllers are too slippery.

20

My neighbor complained that my dog barks too loud at night in the backyard.

60

I replaced my alarm clock with one that plays heavy metal music on weekends.

18

I finally learned how to fold a fitted sheet perfectly after three years of trying.

46

My neighbor asked if he could borrow my vacuum cleaner for the weekend.

60

I tried to join the army to get free meals.

25

I bought a calendar that expired last month just to see if it would start working again.

23

My boss asked me why I was wearing a helmet during the morning meeting.