Money Jokes

0

My friend said, 'I finally learned to live below my means.' I said, 'How are you doing it?' He said, 'I look at my bank account. I see the number. I decide not to buy anything. I go to bed.'

0

My friend said, 'I finally negotiated my salary. Got a two-thousand-dollar raise.' I said, 'That's amazing!' He said, 'Yeah, but now I have to justify it in a performance review for the next twelve months.'

0

My friend said, 'I finally opened a savings account.' I said, 'That's great! How much are you putting in?' He said, 'Twenty dollars a month.' I said, 'Where does it go?' He said, 'To the bank.'

0

My friend said, 'I finally learned to cook at home to save money.' I said, 'That's great! What do you make?' He said, 'A sandwich.' I said, 'A sandwich?'

0

My friend said, 'I finally started tracking my expenses.' I said, 'That's great! What are you using?' He said, 'A notebook. A physical notebook. I write down what I spend.'

0

My friend said, 'I finally got my finances in order.' I said, 'That's great! What did you do?' He said, 'I opened my bank account.' I said, 'And?' He said, 'I looked at the number.' I said, 'And?' He said, 'I closed the app.' I said, 'That is not getting your finances in order. That is getting your finances out of your sight. You did not organize the money. You organized your avoidance of the money. You did not fix the budget. You fixed your relationship with the number. You did not become financially literate. You became financially avertive. You looked at the number and said, No, you are not going to be in my brain today. You are going to be in the app. The app is going to hold you. I am going to close the app. You are going to sleep in the app. I am going to sleep in my bed. We are going to have a very healthy separation.'

0

My friend said, 'I finally learned to invest in myself.' I said, 'That's great! What did you do?' He said, 'I bought a new phone case.' I said, 'That's a phone case.' He said, 'It's a self-care phone case. It's clear. It has a little gold flower on the back. The flower is not real. It's printed. But the sentiment is real. I am a person who has a flower on their phone. I have invested in my phone's emotional well-being. My phone now looks like it has a personality. Before the case, my phone was just a rectangle. Now my phone is a rectangle with a flower. I have elevated my rectangle.'

0

My friend said, 'I've been very intentional about my spending.' I said, 'What changed?' He said, 'I now ask myself a question before every purchase.' I said, 'What question?' He said, 'Would a reasonable person buy this?' I said, 'And then?' He said, 'And then I say, I am a reasonable person. And then I buy it. The question is the checkpoint. The I am a reasonable person is the authorization. The purchase is the execution. It's a three-step process. Very structured.'

0

My friend said, 'I finally started a budget.' I said, 'How's it going?' He said, 'I have a spreadsheet. The spreadsheet has columns. The columns have categories. The categories have numbers. The numbers don't match the numbers in my bank account. But the spreadsheet is very organized. The categories are color-coded. The budget is beautiful. The budget is a work of art. I just can't find the money in it.'

0

My friend said, 'I finally started a side hustle.' I said, 'That's exciting! What is it?' He said, 'I sell used books online.' I said, 'How's it going?' He said, 'I listed four books. One sold for eleven dollars. I spent forty-five minutes photographing, writing a description, and shipping it. My hourly rate is about fourteen dollars.'

0

My friend said, 'I finally started investing in index funds.' I said, 'That's smart! How much are you putting in?' He said, 'Fifty dollars a month.' I said, 'Where are you putting it?' He said, 'I have a folder on my phone called Investing. In the folder, there's a screenshot of a website. The website has a graph. The graph goes up and down. I look at it every day.'

0

My friend said, 'I finally started investing.' I said, 'That's great! What did you put in?' He said, 'Two hundred dollars.' I said, 'That's a great start! What are you buying?' He said, 'I don't know. I put it in an app. The app told me to diversify. I don't know what that means. I think it means I can't put it all in one thing.'

0

My friend said, 'I finally figured out how to save money on groceries.' I said, 'That's great! What's your trick?' He said, 'I stopped walking the aisles. I order online. It's the same store. The same groceries. But I didn't see the twelve-dollar chocolate bar at eye level. I didn't feel the emotional pull of the seasonal section.'

0

My friend said, 'I made a budget this month and I actually stuck to it.' I said, 'That's amazing! What was the key?' He said, 'I realized that every purchase I made was either a need or a want. And then I decided that everything was a need. My phone case was a need. The case for the phone case was a need. The little pouch that holds the case for the phone case was a need. I spent two hundred and forty dollars on cases and pouches. The budget is intact. I just redefined the word need.'

0

My friend said, 'I finally started a savings account.' I said, 'That's great! How much are you putting in each month?' He said, 'Twelve dollars.' I said, 'That's a start!' He said, 'Yeah. I'm also putting in a note to myself that says, You can do better.'