Money Jokes

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My friend said, 'I've been really disciplined with my budget this month.' I said, 'That's great! What's different?' He said, 'I use a spreadsheet now.' I said, 'And?' He said, 'I have four tabs open. One is the budget. One is a recipe for pasta. One is a comparison of streaming services. One is a tab from three weeks ago that I can't remember opening. And the budget tab is empty.'

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My friend said, 'I finally got my tax refund.' I said, 'That's great! How much?' He said, 'Four hundred and twelve dollars.' I said, 'And how did it feel when it hit your account?'

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My friend said, 'I finally learned how to negotiate a better deal on my car insurance.' I said, 'That's great! How much did you save?'

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My friend said, 'I've been really good at saving money this month.' I said, 'That's great! What's your strategy?'

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My friend said, 'I've been great at cutting subscriptions this month. I cancelled all of them.' I said, 'That's impressive! How did it feel?'

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My friend said, 'I've been really good at cutting unnecessary expenses this month.' I said, 'That's impressive! What did you cut?'

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My friend said, 'I finally figured out how to save money on groceries.' I said, 'That's great! What's your strategy?'

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My friend said, 'I finally figured out how to save money.' I said, 'That's great! What's your strategy?' He said, 'I stopped buying coffee.' I said, 'And?'

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My friend said, "I finally started investing."

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My kid asked, 'Mom, why do adults always say that'll be a while when they mean I am not going to do that today?' I said, 'Because that's how we talk.'

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My friend said, 'I've been really good at budgeting this month.' I said, 'That's great! What's your strategy?' He said, 'I use a little notebook. I write down every purchase. Coffee, $4.50. Gas, $42. Sandwich, $9. I look at the notebook every night before bed.' I said, 'And it helps?'

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My friend said, 'I've been really good at avoiding debt this year.' I said, 'That's impressive! How did you do it?' He said, 'I stopped using my credit card.' I said, 'And?' He said, 'And I started using my debit card.'

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My friend said, 'I finally learned to live within my means.' I said, 'That's great! How did you do it?' He said, 'I realized my means are about four hundred dollars a month. So now I live within four hundred dollars.' I said, 'And?'

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My friend said, 'I've been really good at cutting back on subscriptions this month.' I said, 'That's great! How many did you cancel?' He said, 'Three.' I said, 'Out of how many?' He said, 'Ninety-four.' I said, 'That's still a lot.' He said, 'Yeah. But three of them were ninety-nine cents a month. I saved two dollars and ninety-seven cents. I looked at my bank account. I was still broke. But for about forty-five seconds, I felt like a billionaire. I took a screenshot of the two ninety-seven. I put it on my phone wallpaper. I will look at it every time I unlock my phone and remember that I am, in fact, saving money.'

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My friend said, 'I finally started an emergency savings account.' I said, 'That's great! What's the balance?' He said, 'Forty-three dollars and twenty-seven cents.' I said, 'That's a start!' He said, 'Yeah. And my first emergency was a gas station that didn't accept my card. I had to use cash. I used the forty-three twenty-seven. The emergency is resolved. The account is empty. I am back to zero. The cycle continues. I am a man in a cycle.'