Holiday Jokes

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My kid asked, 'Why do we have to open one present on Christmas Eve?' I said, 'Because it builds anticipation.' He said, 'It builds resentment. I have to watch you open the box. I have to watch you take out the tissue paper. I have to watch you say oh, a book.'

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My kid asked, 'Why do we have to say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas?' I said, 'Because it's more inclusive.' He said, 'It's not inclusive. It's vague. It's like saying I got you a thing instead of telling you what the thing is. Happy Holidays is the greeting card version of I'll get back to you. It means nothing. It's a verbal shrug with a bow on it and a little glitter.'

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My kid asked, 'Why do we have to say Merry Christmas to the mailman?' I said, 'Because he's delivering our packages and it's the season.' He said, 'He's delivering packages. That's his job. I don't say Merry Christmas to the person who mows the lawn. I don't say Merry Christmas to the guy who fixes the gutter. But the mailman gets a Merry Christmas because he's the only one who shows up in the snow, and I can't say thanks for not throwing the package at me, because that's not a greeting. That's a witness statement.'

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My kid said, 'Why do we have to do a family tradition where we all go to the same restaurant on the same night for the same meal?' I said, 'Because it's a tradition.' He said, 'It's a mandatory group dinner with a theme.'

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My kid asked, 'Why do we have to stay up until midnight on New Year's Eve?' I said, 'Because we ring in the new year together.' He said, 'We could ring in the new year at eleven. The year doesn't check the time. The year is a concept. The concept does not care if we are awake at 11:59 or 11:00.'

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My kid asked, 'Why do we have to pretend we're excited about the Christmas tree? It's just a dead tree with angry little lights.' I said, 'It's about the spirit of the season.'

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My kid asked, 'Why do we have to say I can't believe it's already December when it's literally November 28th and we can see December standing in the hallway? It's not a surprise. It's been standing there since September.'

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My kid asked, 'Why do we have to do a family photo at Thanksgiving?' I said, 'Because it's a tradition.' He said, 'A tradition of me looking like I'm being arrested? There's a turkey behind me, Aunt Linda is pinching my cheek, and Uncle Greg is doing a peace sign like he's at a concert.'

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My kid asked, 'Why do we have to sing carols at church when we can just sing them in the car?' I said, 'Because it's a community thing.' He said, 'In the car, we're a community of two. And we don't have to worry about the person next to us judging our pitch.'

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My kid asked, 'Why do we stay up late on New Year's Eve?' I said, 'We watch the countdown and eat popcorn.' He said, 'We could do that at nine.' I said, 'Because the magic is in the waiting.' He said, 'The magic is in the popcorn. I've tested this. The popcorn at nine is identical to the popcorn at midnight.'

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My kid asked, 'Why do we have to open presents in front of everyone?' I said, 'It's a tradition.' He said, 'What if I open my present and it's another pair of socks and I want to cry in private?' I said, 'Then you open it in front of everyone and you cry in public.' He said, 'That's not a tradition. That's a public shaming event with a gift wrap and a little bow on top.'

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My kid asked, 'Why do we have to say "we're so excited to see you all" at Christmas when three of us have already seen each other this week?' I said, 'It's a tradition.' He said, 'It's a lie. And I can tell, because you said it to Uncle Greg, and Uncle Greg is sitting in the next room, and he heard you, and he nodded, and that's not a tradition, that's a coordinated deception.'

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My kid asked, 'Why do we have to say I'm looking forward to it at Thanksgiving when we're not?' I said, 'Because it's polite.'

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My kid asked, 'Why do we have to say Merry Christmas to the mailman?' I said, 'Because it's the season.'

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My kid asked, 'Why do we have to wait until ten in the morning to open presents? We've been awake since five.'