Dating Jokes

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On our second date, he said, 'I really like that you're not a lot of work.'

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On our third date, he said, 'I really like that you're not dramatic.' I said, 'I'm not. I want you to know that the waiter brought my soup cold, and I said "Thank you," and I ate it. I did not flip the table. I did not cry. I did not text my friend.'

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On our second date, she said, 'I really like that you're a good listener.' I said, 'I am. I want you to know that I have been nodding for twenty-three minutes. I have said "Mm-hm" and "That's interesting" a total of nine times. My jaw is tired.'

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On our third date, she said, 'I really like that you're not clingy.' I said, 'I'm not. I want you to know that I will not text you tonight. I will not text you tomorrow. I will not text you next week. I am not clingy. I am a separate entity. I have my own life.'

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On our second date, he said, 'I really like that you're independent.' I said, 'I am. I want you to know that I paid for my own appetizer. I chose my own table. I walked in here alone. I will walk out here alone.'

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On our first date, he said, 'So, what do you do for fun?' I said, 'I like to take long walks.' He said, 'Oh nice, where do you walk?' I said, 'To the store.' He said, 'And what do you do at the store?' I said, 'I buy a bag of apples and walk home.' He said, 'That's it?' I said, 'The walk is the fun part. The apples are the excuse. I don't even like apples. They're a prop. They're my reason to leave the house. Without the apples, I'm just a person standing in a doorway looking at the street. The apples make it an activity.'

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My friend set me up on a date. Before I left, he said, 'Just be yourself.' I said, 'I will.' He said, 'And if things go well, call me.' I said, 'I will.' He said, 'And if things don't go well, call me.' I said, 'I will.' He said, 'And if you forget to call me, I will find out, and I will be very, very disappointed.' I said, 'That's not a date, that's a performance review with appetizers and a follow-up call.'

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On our third date, he said, 'I really like that you have your own space.' I said, 'I do. I just want you to know that my space is my apartment, and your space is your apartment, and we will be at this restaurant for exactly two hours.'

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On our second date, she said, 'I really like that you're spontaneous.' I said, 'I am. I literally decided to go to this restaurant eleven minutes ago. I was in the parking lot of a different restaurant. I walked over here.'

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On our second date, he said, 'I really like that you're easygoing.' I said, 'I am. I want you to know that I will not be upset if the restaurant is wrong. I will not be upset if the waiter is slow. I will not be upset if you order the same thing I ordered.'

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On our third date, she said, 'I really like that you're honest.' I said, 'I am. I want you to know that I can tell you're going to check your phone during the appetizer. I'm not mad. I just want you to know I'm watching.'

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On our fourth date, she said, 'I really like that you're comfortable in your own skin.' I said, 'I am. I'm not going to pretend I like jazz. I don't like jazz. I like music that has a beat I can tap my foot to. I like music that tells me what to do with my feet.'

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On our second date, he said, 'I really appreciate that you're low-maintenance.' I said, 'I am. I don't need you to plan anything. I don't need you to remember anniversaries. I don't need you to text back within an hour. I don't need a grand gesture.'

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On our fourth date, he said, 'I notice you don't do small talk.' I said, 'I don't. I do large talk. I do talk that fills the entire room. I do talk that has a prologue, a body, and an epilogue. I do talk that you will be thinking about in the shower three days from now.'

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On our first date, she said, 'I'm really into hiking.' I said, 'Oh nice, what trails do you like?' She said, 'The ones where I can see the whole city from the top. And I bring a thermos and a book.' I said, 'So you hike to the top, sit there, and read?' She said, 'I hike to the top, sit there, read, and then I hike back down. That's the whole workout.'