Doctor Jokes

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My doctor said, 'You need to get more exercise.' I said, 'Doc, I exercise every day.' She said, 'What kind?'

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My doctor said, 'I want you to reduce your salt intake.' I said, 'Doc, I barely eat salt.' She said, 'And?' I said, 'I don't eat salt. I eat a pretzel. A pretzel is not salt. A pretzel is a bread that happens to have a salty opinion. I eat the bread. The salt is the bread's coworker.'

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My doctor said, 'I want you to eat more vegetables.' I said, 'Doc, I eat vegetables.' She said, 'And?' I said, 'I put them on the plate. I look at them. I push them to the left side of the plate. I take a picture for my wife. And then I eat the chicken.'

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My doctor said, 'I want you to reduce your sugar intake.' I said, 'Doc, I don't eat sugar. I eat a granola bar for breakfast, a cookie for lunch, and a piece of cake for dinner.' She said, 'Those all contain sugar.'

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My doctor said, 'I want you to do some light stretching every morning.' I said, 'Doc, I stretch every morning. I reach for the cereal box. I reach for the coffee mug. I reach for the phone. I stretch. I'm doing a full range of motion.'

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My doctor said, 'I want you to try mindfulness meditation. Ten minutes a day, focus on your breath.' I said, 'Doc, I try. I sit down, I close my eyes, I focus on my breathing. And then I realize I left the back door open, and the meditation is over, and I'm in the kitchen, and the cat is eating the last of the turkey, and I have to do a whole second meditation before I can yell at the cat.'

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My doctor said, 'You need to reduce your caffeine intake.' I said, 'Doc, I drink one coffee in the morning.' She said, 'And?' I said, 'And I drink it at six, at seven, at eight, and at nine. One coffee. Four times. It's the same coffee. I just keep finding it in the pot.'

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My doctor said, 'I want you to practice gratitude. Every night, write down three things you're thankful for.' I said, 'Doc, I write down the same three things every night. The ceiling. The pillow. The fact that I don't have to get up yet.'

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My doctor said, 'How's your stress level these days?' I said, 'Doc, I have a stress level, a stress schedule, and a stress support group.'

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My doctor said, 'You need to reduce your screen time.' I said, 'Doc, I'm sitting in your office right now looking at a screen. You're projecting slides on a screen. I'm reading your face off a screen.'

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My doctor said, 'How many hours of sleep do you get?' I said, 'Seven.' She said, 'That's great. And how do you feel when you wake up?' I said, 'Like a phone that was at three percent all night and just barely made it to the home screen before shutting down again.'

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My doctor said, 'I want you to cut down on processed food.' I said, 'Doc, I eat a sandwich for lunch. Bread, meat, cheese. How processed can a sandwich get?' She said, 'The bread is processed. The cheese is processed. The meat was processed. The wrapper was processed. The hand you ate it with was processed by the sun.'

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My doctor said, 'Keep a sleep journal. Track when you go to bed, when you wake up, and any disruptions.' I said, 'Doc, I go to bed at 11, I'm awake at 11:05 looking for my phone, back at 11:12, awake at 11:30 for water, back at 11:35, awake at 12:15 to check the stove, I go check the stove, I'm back at 12:22, and then I sleep from 12:22 to 6:45. Is that a journal or a crime scene report?'

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My doctor said, 'Take this medication with food.' I said, 'Doc, I eat a cracker before I open my email. I eat a cracker before I answer the phone. I ate a cracker before I walked into your office. To me, every moment of my day is preceded by a cracker.' She said, 'So you're already taking it with food.' I said, 'I'm taking it with a cracker. There's a difference. Food is a meal. A cracker is a coping mechanism.'

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My doctor said, 'I want you to keep a food diary for two weeks. Write down everything you eat, when, and how you felt afterward.' I said, 'Doc, I eat a granola bar at nine, a sandwich at noon, soup at six, and then at eleven PM I open the fridge and stare at it for twenty minutes like it owes me money. Is the staring part of the diary?' She said, 'Yes. That is the most important entry. We need to address the staring.'