My doctor said, 'You need to reduce your caffeine intake.' I said, 'Doc, I have one coffee in the morning.' She said, 'That's still a lot.' I said, 'It is one coffee. It is a single cup. I hold it. I drink from it. I put it down. The coffee is in my stomach. I am a person who had a coffee. I am not a person who is in a relationship with coffee. A coffee person has coffee at two PM. A coffee person has an iced latte on a Thursday. A coffee person has a coffee shop they go to every morning at the same time. I have one coffee. In the morning. I am not a coffee person. I am a one-coffee-in-the-morning person. I am a person who had a coffee. Once. In the morning. Like a responsible adult. Like a person who is not a coffee person. There is a difference. There is a whole category of human between me and a coffee person and that category is called I'm fine.'