Money Jokes

7

My friend said, 'I finally started a savings account. I put in twelve dollars every single month. I have not missed a month in four years.' I said, 'That's... disciplined.'

37

I tried to save money by making coffee at home. I bought a French press, a grinder, four bags of beans from different roasters, a milk frother, and a ceramic mug from a pottery class. My total: two hundred and twelve dollars.

47

My friend said, 'I've been really disciplined with my spending this month.'

39

My friend said, "I finally figured out where my money goes." I said, "That's great! What did you find?" He said, "I opened the bank app and found a charge for $4.99 from a place called 'SnackBar.' I don't know what SnackBar is."

83

My friend said, 'I finally figured out my budget.' I said, 'That's great! What's the breakdown?' He said, 'I have a column for bills, a column for food, and a column called I don't know where this went. The third column is the biggest by far.' I said, 'That's not a budget, that's a crime scene.'

84

My friend said, 'I finally stopped impulse buying.' I said, 'That's great! What was the last thing you impulse-bought?'

18

My accountant said, 'You're spending too much on entertainment.' I said, 'I go to the movies twice a month.'

25

My friend said, 'I finally learned to live below my means.'

76

My accountant said, 'You're overspending on subscriptions.' I said, 'I have three.' He said, 'You have eleven.' I said, 'Three are real. The other eight are what I call ghost subscriptions. They're in my bank statement. They have a name I sort of recognize. They charge me $14.99 a month. I don't know what they are. I don't know if I ever signed up.'

80

My friend said, 'I finally got my finances in order.' I said, 'That's great! What did you do?' He said, 'I opened my bank app for the first time in four months.' I said, 'And?' He said, 'I closed it. I didn't look. I just wanted to acknowledge that it existed.'

57

My friend said, 'I finally started investing.' I said, 'That's great! What did you put in?' He said, 'I put $20 in a retirement fund and $30 in a fun money fund.' I said, 'What's in the fun money fund?' He said, 'A streaming service I cancelled in March. It's still on my bank statement. I don't know how. I don't know where the money is going. It just... leaves. Like a bad roommate who never gives a forwarding address.'

46

I told my friend I started a budgeting app to track my spending. He said, 'That's great! What did you find?' I said, 'I found that I spend $40 a week on coffee and $200 a week on "I'll just grab a quick bite."'

8

My accountant told me, 'You're spending too much on dining out.' I said, 'I eat at home every single night.' He said, 'I know. You spend more on delivery apps to get one extra sauce packet than you do on an actual restaurant meal.'

33

I told my friend I was 'thinking about my financial future.' He said, 'That's great! What are you doing?'

46

My accountant told me, 'The good news is you're not in debt. The bad news is you're not out of debt either.'