Money Jokes

18

My accountant said, 'You're spending too much on entertainment.' I said, 'I go to the movies twice a month.'

25

My friend said, 'I finally learned to live below my means.'

76

My accountant said, 'You're overspending on subscriptions.' I said, 'I have three.' He said, 'You have eleven.' I said, 'Three are real. The other eight are what I call ghost subscriptions. They're in my bank statement. They have a name I sort of recognize. They charge me $14.99 a month. I don't know what they are. I don't know if I ever signed up.'

80

My friend said, 'I finally got my finances in order.' I said, 'That's great! What did you do?' He said, 'I opened my bank app for the first time in four months.' I said, 'And?' He said, 'I closed it. I didn't look. I just wanted to acknowledge that it existed.'

57

My friend said, 'I finally started investing.' I said, 'That's great! What did you put in?' He said, 'I put $20 in a retirement fund and $30 in a fun money fund.' I said, 'What's in the fun money fund?' He said, 'A streaming service I cancelled in March. It's still on my bank statement. I don't know how. I don't know where the money is going. It just... leaves. Like a bad roommate who never gives a forwarding address.'

46

I told my friend I started a budgeting app to track my spending. He said, 'That's great! What did you find?' I said, 'I found that I spend $40 a week on coffee and $200 a week on "I'll just grab a quick bite."'

8

My accountant told me, 'You're spending too much on dining out.' I said, 'I eat at home every single night.' He said, 'I know. You spend more on delivery apps to get one extra sauce packet than you do on an actual restaurant meal.'

33

I told my friend I was 'thinking about my financial future.' He said, 'That's great! What are you doing?'

46

My accountant told me, 'The good news is you're not in debt. The bad news is you're not out of debt either.'

61

I told my friend I was 'living paycheck to paycheck.' He said, 'That's tough. How are you managing?' I said, 'I'm not managing. I'm surviving. There's a difference. Managing implies I have a plan.'

50

I told my friend I was going to 'live below my means this year.' He said, 'That's really mature. What does that look like?' I said, 'I'm going to buy one thing instead of two. I'm going to eat at home instead of a restaurant. I'm going to drive instead of taking an Uber.' He said, 'That's just... normal adulting.'

74

I told my wife I was going to 'track every single dollar this month.' She said, 'Great, where are you tracking them?' I said, 'In my head.' She said, 'And how accurate is that?'

56

I told my friend I finally 'started a budget.' He said, 'That's great! What's your biggest category?' I said, 'Regret. I have a whole column for it. It's the biggest. It's always the biggest.'

48

I told my financial advisor I wanted to 'invest in myself.'

45

I told my financial advisor I wanted to 'stop living in the moment.' He said, 'Great. What's your five-year plan?' I said, 'I don't have one.' He said, 'Then how can you stop living in the moment?'