33One-LinersI told my wife I was going to 'just be in the background tonight.' She said, 'Great, you can be the background of the family photo.' I said, 'I'd rather be in the foreground.' She said, 'No. You're the blur on the left edge.'Show PunchlineShare
84One-LinersMy kid asked, 'Dad, why do you say "one more episode" when you've already said it four times?' I said, 'Because each one is a new episode.' He said, 'It's the same episode. You said it at the top of the show, at the commercial, at the middle, and at the end. That's not four episodes, that's one episode with four lies.'Show PunchlineShare
83One-LinersMy toddler looked at me and said, 'You look tired.' I said, 'Thanks, buddy.' He said, 'No, I'm not complimenting you. I'm reporting an observation.'Show PunchlineShare
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