Travel Jokes

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My travel buddy said, 'Let's go to a hot spring.' We drove to the hot spring. It was a concrete pool. Warm. A sign said, No Running. We sat in it. My buddy said, 'It's so restorative. You can really feel the minerals.'

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My travel buddy said, 'Let's go to a vineyard.' We drove to the vineyard. It was rows of grapevines. We stood in the rows. My buddy said, 'It's so peaceful. You can really feel the terroir.'

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My travel buddy said, 'Let's go to a lighthouse.' We drove an hour. The lighthouse was on a cliff. We could see the lighthouse. We could not get to the lighthouse. There was a sign that said Lighthouse, two mile hike.

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My travel buddy said, 'Let's go to a national park.' We drove four hours. We found a parking spot. We got out. The park was a trail. The trail was a path. The path led to a sign that said Bear Country.

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My travel buddy said, 'Let's take a pizza-making class.' We booked a workshop. The instructor showed us how to stretch the dough. We stretched the dough. We added cheese. We put it in the oven. The pizza came out. It was a circle of bread with cheese on it.

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My travel buddy said, 'Let's go to a historical site.' We drove two hours. The site was a foundation. The foundation was a rectangle in the ground. The rectangle was made of stones. The stones were old. My buddy said, 'You can feel the history here. The weight of centuries.' I said, 'It's a rectangle, buddy. It's a rectangle made of rocks. The rocks are old. I have old rocks in my yard. The only difference is this rectangle is in a different yard and costs two hours of my life and a seven-dollar parking fee. I'm not standing at a historical site. I'm standing at a very old, very flat, very rectangular piece of ground that someone decided was important. The rocks didn't ask to be history. The rocks were just rocks. Now they're a destination. Now they have a gift shop. Now they have a gift shop with a twenty-four-dollar t-shirt that says I Was There. I was not there. I am here. I was here. For two hours. For a rectangle.'

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My travel buddy said, 'Let's go to a coastal town.' We drove three hours. We arrived. The coast was a parking lot. Behind the parking lot was a concrete wall. Behind the wall was the ocean. We could see the ocean. We could hear the ocean. We could smell the ocean. My buddy said, 'It's so serene. You can really feel the salt air.' I said, 'I can feel the parking lot. I can feel the asphalt. I can feel my lower back from the drive. The ocean is in the background. The ocean is the wallpaper. I am in the parking lot, buddy. The ocean is what you see when you look past eleven rows of Honda Civics.'

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I told my travel buddy, 'Let's go to a food market.' We found a farmers' market. A woman had a jar on a stand. The jar had a substance in it the color of a decision you're not sure about. She said, 'It's a fig and thyme jam. Very artisanal.' I said, 'It's a jam. It has figs in it. And thyme. The jam is in a jar. The jar is on a stand. The stand is at a market. I have a jam at home. It has figs in it. It does not have thyme. But it is still a jam. I do not need to be at a market to understand that a jam is a jam.'

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I told my travel buddy, 'Let's go to a winery.' We drove ninety minutes. The tasting room had a sommelier. The sommelier poured a quarter ounce of wine into a glass. I drank the quarter ounce. She poured another quarter ounce. I drank that. She said, 'Would you like to buy a bottle?' I said, 'I'd like to buy a glass. A whole glass. Like, eight ounces. A serving size. A human amount of wine.' She looked at me like I'd asked for the ocean in a thimble.

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My travel buddy said, 'Let's take a pasta-making class in Italy.' We booked a rustic farmhouse experience. The farmhouse had a table. The table had flour. The instructor showed us how to make a ball of dough. We made a ball of dough. The instructor said, 'Now shape it into pasta.' We shaped the ball into a slightly different ball. We ate it. My buddy said, 'It was so authentic. I really connected with the tradition.'

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I told my travel buddy, 'Let's go to a vineyard.' We drove two hours. The vineyard had rows of plants. The plants had small green things on them. My buddy said, 'It's so peaceful. The terroir is amazing. You can really feel the earth in every leaf.'

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I told my travel buddy, 'Let's go see a waterfall.' We hiked for two hours. The waterfall was a stream. The stream was the width of a garden hose. It was falling. It was falling onto rocks. My buddy said, 'It's so powerful. The mist is incredible.'

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I told my travel buddy, 'Let's go see the lighthouse.' We drove two hours. The lighthouse was on a cliff. We walked to the base. The lighthouse was white. It was tall. It had a light on top. My buddy said, 'It's so majestic.' I said, 'It's a building with a light, buddy. It's a tower. It has a lamp. I grew up with towers. I grew up with lamps. This is a lamp on a tower on a cliff. I have a lamp on my kitchen counter. The only difference is this one is on a cliff and costs two hours of my life.'

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I told my travel buddy, 'Let's go to a national park.' We drove five hours. The park had a trail. The trail was a dirt path. The dirt path led to a rock. The rock was a medium-sized rock. It was gray. It was sitting on the ground. My buddy said, 'It's so natural.' I said, 'It's a rock, buddy. I grew up near rocks. This is not a destination. This is a geology fact I'm experiencing in person. I could have looked at a picture of this rock from my couch. I could have looked at a picture of this rock from my couch for five hours and saved the gas money.'

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I booked a 'boutique hotel' for the weekend. The room was the size of a very optimistic closet. I unpacked my bag. The bag was now larger than the room. I sat on the bed. The bed was the size of a single person lying very still. My phone charger was on the nightstand. The nightstand was also where I was supposed to put my water, my book, my glasses, and my phone. I had to choose.