One-Liners Jokes

53

My kid asked, 'Dad, why do you say "I'm five minutes away" when you've been walking for twenty?' I said, 'Because five minutes is a feeling, not a measurement.' He said, 'Then why do I get in trouble for saying I'm five minutes away from the door when I'm still in my pajamas?' I said, 'Because for me, five minutes is a unit of hope. For you, it's a unit of lying.'

15

My kid asked me to explain the word 'patience.' I said, 'It's the ability to wait without losing your mind.' He said, 'So it's like waiting for the TV to stop buffering?' I said, 'Yes, exactly.' He said, 'Then I have no patience. I turned it off.'

61

I told my kid, 'You know what? You're not a bad kid. You're just a kid who is bad at being a kid.'

77

My kid asked me to explain the word 'negotiate.' I said, 'It means two people talk until one of them gives up.'

67

My kid looked at me and said, 'Dad, you're standing in the doorway.'

22

My kid asked me to read his bedtime story. I opened the book. It said, 'The end.' I said, 'Honey, that's the whole book.'

18

My kid asked, 'Dad, why do you say "we'll do it together" when you clearly mean "I'll do it and you'll watch"?' I said, 'That IS doing it together. You're witnessing.' He said, 'That's not together. That's an audience. I'm not part of the activity. I'm part of the front row.'

69

My kid asked me to explain the word 'convenient.' I said, 'It means something works out nicely for you.' He said, 'Like when I'm doing homework and the Wi-Fi goes out?' I said, 'No, the opposite, honey.' He said, 'Then why does everyone say "that's so convenient" when they're telling me to do something I don't want to do? That's not convenient. That's a hostage situation with a smile.'

84

My kid asked, 'Dad, why do you say "one more episode" when you've already said it four times?' I said, 'Because each one is a new episode.' He said, 'It's the same episode. You said it at the top of the show, at the commercial, at the middle, and at the end. That's not four episodes, that's one episode with four lies.'

44

My four-year-old said, 'Dad, why do you say "I'll be there in a sec" when it takes twenty minutes?' I said, 'Because sec is a flexible unit.' He said, 'It's not flexible. I counted. You said it three times. That's three flexible units, and I've been in the car for a long time.'

63

My dad said, 'In my day, we walked ten miles to school in the snow.' I said, 'Dad, you live in Arizona.' He said, 'In my day, it was snow in Arizona.'

27

My dad told me, 'I built this house with my own two hands.' I said, 'Dad, you hired a contractor.' He said, 'I hired him with my own two hands.'

62

My toddler asked, 'Dad, why do you say "I'm five minutes away" when you're in the driveway?'

12

My kid asked, 'Why do adults say "I'll handle it" when they clearly won't?'

69

My four-year-old said, "Dad, I'm going to tell you a secret." I leaned in. He said, "Don't tell anyone." I said, "I won't."