Work & Office Jokes

76

My coworker said, 'I really value work-life balance.' I said, 'That's great.' He said, 'Yeah. I left at five o'clock yesterday. I was so proud of myself. I posted about it on LinkedIn.'

71

My boss said, 'I want you to think big.' I said, 'I do. I think about my retirement every single day.' He said, 'That's not what I meant.'

15

My coworker said, 'I'm really big on synergy at work.' I said, 'That's great.' He said, 'Yeah. Last week I had a meeting with Marketing and Engineering. Marketing said, Make it pop. Engineering said, Make it work. I said, Make it both. Neither of them said a single word back. I called it synergy.' I said, 'They were confused.' He said, 'No, they were in alignment. Silence is alignment.'

81

My boss said, 'I need you to circle back on this email by end of day.' I circled back. I walked the full perimeter of the office, past the break room, through the supply closet, around the mail cart, and came back to his desk. He said, 'I meant reply to the email.' I said, 'I did circle back. I'm here. I'm in the circle.'

70

My coworker said, 'I really value feedback.' I said, 'That's great.'

56

My boss said, 'I want you to treat this project like it's your own baby.'

22

My coworker said, 'I really value efficiency.'

74

My boss said, 'I want everyone to think outside the box.'

6

My coworker said, 'I really value transparency at work.' I said, 'That's great.' He said, 'Yeah. Last week I told the whole team I was going to be late, and then I was late, and then I told them I was still going to be late, and then I showed up.'

16

My boss said, 'I want this meeting to be productive.' I said, 'It will be. I'm going to be productive in the way a goldfish is productive in a bowl. Present. Breathing. And absolutely not making any waves.'

45

My coworker said, 'I really value punctuality.' I said, 'That's great.' He said, 'Yeah. I'm always here at 9:02.'

22

My boss said, 'I want this to be a truly collaborative effort.' I said, 'Absolutely. I'll do the work and you'll do the presenting.'

38

My coworker said, 'I really value work-life balance.' I said, 'That's great.' He said, 'Yeah. I eat lunch at my desk, I check email on my phone while I'm on the couch, and I "decompress" by reorganizing my inbox.'

52

My boss sent a company-wide email that said, 'I trust this message finds you well.' I replied, 'It finds me in a spreadsheet, in row 4,217, and I don't know what column I'm in. But yes, I'm well.'

59

My boss said, 'I want to see more initiative from this team.' I said, 'I have a suggestion. What if initiative means I go home at 5 and you don't get to send an email at 6?' He was quiet for a long time. Then he said, 'Let's take that offline.'