Work & Office Jokes

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My coworker said, 'I always make sure to add value in meetings.' I said, 'What does that look like?' He said, 'I bring a yellow sticky note. I put it on the table. During the meeting, I write on it. I don't know what I write. Sometimes it's words. Sometimes it's not.'

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My boss said, 'Let's circle back on this next week.' I said, 'I'd rather we not orbit this topic. I'd rather we walk in a straight line. I'd rather we say what we mean and go home.'

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My boss said, 'I want you to be more proactive. You're just sitting there responding to things.' I said, 'I come in, I sit down, I open my laptop, I look at my emails.'

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My coworker said, 'I always send a follow-up email after networking events. It was great meeting you, let's stay in touch.' I said, 'That's proactive. How's the response rate?'

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My coworker said, 'I always make sure to follow up after meetings.' I said, 'That's great. What does that look like?'

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My boss said, 'I want to see more synergy on the team.'

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My boss said, 'I want you to take ownership of this project.' I said, 'Sir, I already own it. I have been sitting next to it for three weeks. I know its weight. I know its dimensions. I know it smells faintly of printer toner and the ghost of a coffee I spilled in February. I have touched it more than my spouse has touched me this month. I am in a committed relationship with this project. I am not taking ownership. I am in a long-term arrangement. I am the project's partner. The project is my project. We are together. We are in this. I am not taking ownership. I am in a marriage with a filing cabinet.'

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My coworker said, 'I always make sure to document everything for future reference.' I said, 'That's thorough.' He said, 'I keep a folder called Things I Did and Then Forgot. It has forty-seven entries. They are all the same entry. It is the same thing I keep forgetting. I keep documenting the forgetting. The folder is my external memory for my internal amnesia. I am not organized. I am archiving my own negligence.'

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My coworker said, 'I always make sure to be a good listener in meetings.' I said, 'That's great.' He said, 'I listen. I nod. I don't interrupt. I let people finish their sentences.' I said, 'And then?' He said, 'And then I say, Right, so, anyway, I was thinking about this for a while and— and I talk for eleven minutes. I listened for four minutes. The ratio is good. I'm a good listener. I just have a lot to say after the listening.'

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I told my coworker, 'I'm working from home this week.' She said, 'That's great! What do you do differently at home?' I said, 'I open my laptop in my pajamas instead of business casual. The laptop is in the same state. The keyboard is the same keyboard. The only variable is that my left foot is visible on the webcam and my right sock has a hole in it. That's the home office experience.'

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My coworker said, 'I always make sure to contribute to team discussions.' I said, 'That's great. What does that look like?' He said, 'I attend the meeting. I sit in the chair. I nod. I say great point and I agree and that's a good thought. I am in the room. I am in the chair. The chair is at the table.'

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My boss said, 'Stop working so hard. Start working smarter.' I said, 'I'm already working smarter. I used to sit at my desk, open my laptop, and work. Now I sit at my desk, open my laptop, and I'm in the about-to-work phase.'

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My coworker said, 'I always make sure to circle back on projects.' I said, 'That's a great workflow. What does that look like?' He said, 'I send an email. Then I send another email. Then I send a third email. Then I send a fourth email. Then I send a fifth email that says, "Circling back on this."'

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My boss said, 'I want you to be more visible in the office.' I said, 'I'm here every day, sir.' He said, 'I know. I can see your chair. The chair is at the desk. The desk has your nameplate. I can see the nameplate. I just can't see you. You're behind the chair. You're in the chair. You're a silhouette. I'm looking at a human-shaped shadow and I can't tell if it's you or a very committed coat rack.'

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My coworker said, 'I always make sure to be available for my team.' I said, 'That's great. What does that look like?' He said, 'I'm in the office from eight to five. I'm at my desk. My chair is in the desk position. My feet are under the desk. I am available. If you need me, I am here. I am here in a chair. The chair is at a desk. The desk is in the office. I am in the office. That is availability. I am in the building. I am in the furniture. I am in the availability.'