Work & Office Jokes

27

My boss said, 'I want you to think outside the box.'

79

My coworker asked me, 'What's your five-year plan?' I said, 'I have a five-minute plan. Survive this meeting, get to lunch, survive the next meeting, get to the parking lot.' He said, 'That's not a plan.'

80

My boss said, 'I want this to be a team effort.' I said, 'I hear you.' He said, 'Great. I'll send you the task at 4:58 on Friday.' I said, 'And the team part?'

73

My coworker asked me, 'How do you handle it when someone says quick question in a meeting?' I said, 'I mentally add three hours to the clock.' He said, 'That's extreme.' I said, 'They said quick question. They then presented a seventeen-slide deck, asked for my opinion, asked for my opinion again with slightly different wording, and then said, Oh, and also, can you take that offline?'

40

My manager said, 'I want you to take ownership of this project.' I said, 'I already own it. I'm the only one who knows why the spreadsheet has forty-seven tabs, I was up until 1 AM fixing the formulas, and I've been silently screaming into a pillow for three days.' He said, 'That's not ownership, that's a hostage situation.'

35

My boss said, 'I want everyone to start using the new project management software. It's self-explanatory.' I said, 'That's the most terrifying sentence I've heard all year.' He said, 'What do you mean?'

81

My coworker asked me, 'How do you stay this calm during deadline week?' I said, 'I don't. I just moved my panic to a different day.'

80

My boss sent an email that said, 'Let's circle back on this.' I replied, 'I've been circling back for three weeks. At this point I've orbited the project twice. I'm requesting a docking station.'

81

My boss said, 'I want you to be more proactive.' I said, 'Great, I'm already on my way to the break room. I was going to wait until someone told me I could get coffee.'

54

My coworker told me he 'works best under pressure.' I said, 'That's great, so what's your ideal deadline?'

41

My boss introduced a new 'open door policy' and said, 'Feel free to come to my office anytime with questions.' I went in to ask about my PTO.

49

Our office has a 'quiet hours' policy from one to two in the afternoon.

65

My boss asked me to 'think outside the box' on the quarterly report.

8

My company has a 'casual Friday' policy. I wore jeans. My coworker wore a t-shirt and flip-flops. My boss wore a turtleneck and said, 'I'm being casual.'

81

My boss told me to 'think of the company as a family.' I said, 'That's great. So does that mean I get to eat from the fridge without asking, sit in the living room, and avoid doing chores?' He said, 'No.'