Family Jokes

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My kid broke a glass and said, 'Dad, I'm sorry.' I said, 'It's okay, buddy. Accidents happen.' He said, 'I'm not sorry. I'm reporting. I'm reporting that a glass broke. I'm not apologizing. I'm filing an incident report. The glass is the incident. I am the reporter.'

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My wife said, 'Can you fix the leaky faucet?' I got under the sink. I turned things. I tightened things. I came out and said, 'It's handled.' She said, 'It's still dripping.' I said, 'It's not dripping. It's expressing itself. It was holding in a lot of pressure. I gave it a little room to talk. It's processing. It's going through a lot right now.'

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My five-year-old asked, 'Dad, why do we have to say no thank you when someone offers us something we don't want?' I said, 'Because it's polite.'

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My wife said, 'Can you take out the trash?' I took out the trash. She said, 'And the recycling?' I said, 'The trash is out. The recycling is in the trash. I consolidated.'

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My wife said, 'Can you handle dinner tonight?' I said, 'Absolutely.' I made pasta with a tomato sauce. She sat down, looked at it, and said, 'I meant a full meal. With a side. And a salad.'

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My son asked, 'Dad, why do we have to say bless you when someone sneezes?' I said, 'Because it's a polite tradition.'

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My daughter said, 'Mom, why do we have to say I'm sorry when we bump into someone?' I said, 'Because it's polite.' She said, 'I wasn't trying to bump into them. I was walking. They were standing.'

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My wife said, 'Can you do something productive around the house today?' I mopped the kitchen floor. She said, 'I meant something with a visible result.'

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My daughter said, 'Mom, why do you always say "I'll deal with it later" and then it never gets dealt with?' I said, 'Because "later" is a valid time. It's a real, existing time.'

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My son asked, 'Dad, why do you always say "I'll get to it" but you never actually get to it?' I said, 'Because "I'll get to it" is a complete sentence. It's a valid response. It closes the conversation.'

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My wife said, 'Can you pick up the kids from soccer practice?' I picked them up. I drove home. My son said, 'Dad, why did you park in the driveway?' I said, 'Because that's where we park.' He said, 'We usually park in the street.' I said, 'I was being efficient.' My daughter said, 'You were being weird.'

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My wife said, 'Can you pick up the groceries?' I went to the store. I bought the list. I came home. She said, 'And the baguette?' I said, 'The bread is on the counter.' She said, 'I said the baguette.' I said, 'It's a long bread. It has the shape of a baguette. I looked at it. It was long. It was bread. It is a baguette.' She said, 'It's a loaf of sandwich bread.'

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My wife said, "Can you plan dinner for Friday?"

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My kid came to me during a movie and said, "Dad, why is that man crying?"

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My son said, 'Dad, can I have a later bedtime?' I said, 'What time do you want?' He said, 'Ninety minutes later.'