Family Jokes

43

My five-year-old said, 'Mom, can I have a dog?' I said, 'Not right now, buddy. We don't have the space.' He said, 'We have a garage.' I said, 'A garage is not a home for a dog.' He said, 'Where do you keep your car?' I said, 'In the garage.' He said, 'So the garage works for the car. The car doesn't complain. The car doesn't need a walk at six AM. The car is a better pet than a dog.'

73

My son's homework said, 'A truck carries 50 boxes. Each box weighs 12 pounds. How many trips does the truck need?' I said, 'That's 600 pounds.' He said, 'No, Dad, the question is how many boxes fit in the truck.' I said, 'The truck is a metaphor, son.' He said, 'The truck is in the picture. It has a cab. It has wheels. It is not a metaphor.'

57

My kid said, 'Mom, Dad, I need to talk to you both.' I said, 'What's up, buddy?' He said, 'I have been doing the dishes for one week.' I said, 'That's great, honey, that's very responsible.' He said, 'No. I'm telling you because I have reached my limit. The limit is one more time. And I just did it. The next time the sink has a fork in it, I am calling the police. Not the police. I'm calling Grandma. She'll do it.'

74

My wife said, 'Can you fold the laundry?' I folded the towels. I folded the shirts. She said, 'And the socks?' I said, 'I put them in the drawer.' She said, 'I said fold them.' I said, 'They're in the drawer. They are folded. They are just folded into a drawer. The drawer is the fold.'

5

My wife said, 'Can you put the groceries away?' I put the milk in the fridge, the bread on the counter, the eggs in the holder, the cereal in the cabinet, the fruit in the bowl. She said, 'And the box?'

13

My wife said, 'Can you just handle dinner tonight?' I said, 'Sure.' I handled the stove, the timer, the salt, the 'is it ready yet' question, the 'is it REALLY ready yet' question, and the 'I said six and it's six-zero-four' question.

29

My wife said, 'Can you pick up milk on the way home?' I said, 'Sure.' I picked up milk, bread, eggs, a candle, a phone charger, and a plant.

44

My wife said, 'Can you fix the faucet?' I spent forty-five minutes under the sink. The faucet is still leaking.

51

My five-year-old said, 'Dad, why do you say I'm not mad, I'm disappointed, when your face looks like you're about to start a war?'

33

My wife said, 'Can you take out the trash?' I took out the trash. She said, 'And the recycling?'

66

My daughter asked me to help with her science fair project. I said, 'What do you need?' She said, 'I need you to be the control group.'

25

My kid asked, 'Why do parents say "don't touch that" as if we're in a museum?' I said, 'Because if you touch it, it breaks.' He said, 'I don't want it to break. I want to know what it feels like. You say "don't touch the stove" but you touch the stove every day. You're not protecting the stove.'

62

My wife asked me to 'just check the mailbox.' I checked the mailbox. There was a bill. I put it on the counter. She said, 'And?' I said, 'And what?' She said, 'You're supposed to read it and tell me the amount.'

37

My wife said, 'Can you take the kids to the park?' I said, 'Sure.' I took the kids to the park. My son got on the swing and said, 'Dad, push me.' I pushed him. He said, 'Dad, why is the swing not going as high as I want it to go?' I said, 'You have to push it yourself.' He said, 'I'm pushing it.' I said, 'You're pushing it at a 45-degree angle. You need to push it forward, in the direction of the swing's arc.'

32

My son asked, 'Dad, why do we have a family group chat if nobody in the family actually chats?' I said, 'It's not for chatting.' He said, 'Then what is it for?'