Family Jokes

34

My four-year-old said, 'Dad, I'm going to tell you a secret.' I leaned in.

76

My wife said, 'Can you take the kids to the park?' I took them. My son wanted to swing. My daughter wanted to slide. My toddler wanted to sit in the sandbox and stare at me.

18

My four-year-old asked me, 'Dad, why do you say I'll be right there when you're clearly in the other room doing something on your phone?' I said, 'Because I will be there. Eventually.' He said, 'That's not right. That's eventually with a delay. Right means now. Eventually means after you finish the thing you don't want me to know you're doing.' I said, 'What am I doing?'

23

My wife asked me to 'take out the trash.' I took out the trash. She said, 'And the recycling.' I said, 'You said trash.' She said, 'I said take out the trash. That's a phrase. It means take out all the things from the kitchen that need to go outside.'

35

My daughter asked me to 'help her with her homework.' I sat at the kitchen table. She pulled out a worksheet. I said, 'What do you need help with?' She said, 'Everything.' I said, 'Okay, let's start with number one.' She said, 'No. I need you to help me with the concept of why I have to do number one.' I said, 'Because it's homework.'

75

My wife asked me to 'just check on the kids' while she was in the shower. I went upstairs. My son was building a tower out of cereal boxes. My daughter was using the tower as a fort. My toddler was inside the fort, eating a handful of Cheerios, looking up at me with absolute confidence. I said, 'Is everything okay in here?' He said, 'I'm the king. You can't come in. This is a sovereign nation.' I said, 'Do you need a snack?'

53

My son asked me to help him with his 'time management.' I said, 'What do you mean?' He said, 'I have to do homework, then dinner, then bath, then bed. But I also have to build a rocket.' I said, 'The rocket can wait.' He said, 'So I have to build it in my sleep.'

81

My wife said, 'Can you fix the faucet?' I walked into the kitchen, turned the handle off, turned it on, turned it off again, and said, 'It's fixed.' She said, 'I said the water drips when it's off.' I said, 'And now it doesn't.' She said, 'It was never dripping. I was testing you.'

17

My son asked me to 'help him build a fort.' I got the couch cushions, the blankets, the pillows. We built the most elaborate structure you've ever seen. He crawled in, looked around, and said, 'It's good. But can we also build a fort inside the fort? A smaller one. For my stuffed animals.'

14

My wife told me to 'fold the laundry.' I folded every shirt, every pair of pants, every towel. I neatly stacked them and put them in the drawers. She came home and said, 'I said fold them.' I said, 'I did. Twice.' She said, 'I said fold them INTO the drawers. Shirts top, pants bottom, towels left.' I said, 'Those are instructions for a filing system, not laundry.' She said, 'Then it's a filing system.'

58

My wife handed me a list of seven things to do around the house. I did one.

18

My wife asked me to pick up 'a few eggs' on the way home. I got six.

22

My daughter asked me to 'be her photographer' for school picture day. I said sure, I'd take a few shots.

32

My wife asked me to 'just handle the kids tonight, I need an hour.'

39

My son asked me to 'read him a bedtime story.' I opened a book. He said, 'Not that one. The bear one.' I said, 'We've read that one four times this week.' He said, 'I know. But this time I want you to do the bear's voice differently.'