84TravelMy travel buddy said, 'I want to take a cooking class.' We signed up. The kitchen was the size of a closet. There were eight of us. The instructor said, 'Today we make pasta.' I looked at the counter. There was one pot. One. For eight people.Show PunchlineShare
84DatingOn our seventh date, she said, 'I really like that you're not intimidated by my career.' I said, 'Of course not. I'm not intimidated by your career. I'm intimidated by your calendar. You have a meeting at 7:15, a call at 8, a quick sync at 8:30, and then you're available at 9.' She said, 'That's just how work is.'Show PunchlineShare
84One-LinersMy kid asked, 'Dad, why do you say "one more episode" when you've already said it four times?' I said, 'Because each one is a new episode.' He said, 'It's the same episode. You said it at the top of the show, at the commercial, at the middle, and at the end. That's not four episodes, that's one episode with four lies.'Show PunchlineShare
84DatingOn our third date, he said, 'I really value honesty in a relationship.' I said, 'Good. I'm going to be honest. I'm going to order the burger and the fries, and I'm not splitting the fries.'Show PunchlineShare
84Work & OfficeMy boss said, 'We're a family here.' I said, 'That's great. Do family members get to leave at 5?' He said, 'In a good family, you stay until the job's done.' I said, 'Then I'm in a broken family, because I left at 5 on a Friday and nobody called me.'Show PunchlineShare
84ScienceMy kid's science project was supposed to demonstrate the concept of inertia. He sat in a chair, his dad pushed the chair, and he went forward.Show PunchlineShare
84MoneyMy friend said, 'I finally stopped impulse buying.' I said, 'That's great! What was the last thing you impulse-bought?'Show PunchlineShare
84MoneyI tried to save money by only buying items that were half off at the store.Show PunchlineShare
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