Work & Office Jokes

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My boss asked me to 'think big' about the quarterly goals. I told him I was thinking about my vacation. He said, 'That's not big thinking.' I said, 'I was thinking about a vacation in a country where the word quarterly doesn't exist. Where the fiscal year is just... a year. Where nobody sends a calendar invite at 4:58 PM. I was thinking about a country where the biggest quarterly goal is whether the ice cream shop is open on a Tuesday. That is the biggest thinking I can do, sir. I'm thinking at the apex.'

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My coworker said, 'I really value work-life balance.' I said, 'That's great. How do you do it?'

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My boss sent an email that started with 'Per my last email.' I replied, 'Per your first email, the deadline was Friday. Per my calendar, it is Tuesday.'

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My coworker said, 'I always make sure to document my processes.' I said, 'That's great. How do you do that?' He said, 'I take a screenshot of my screen. I name it process_doc_final_v2_ACTUALLY_FINAL. I put it in a folder called Documents. I have forty-seven copies in that folder. None of them are the same.'

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My boss said, 'I want you to be more proactive this quarter.' I said, 'Absolutely. I'll get ahead of things.' He said, 'Great. So what's your plan?' I said, 'I'm going to be more proactive about getting ahead of things. I'm in the proactiveness phase. I'm building proactiveness. I have a proactiveness folder on my desktop.'

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My coworker told me, 'I've been at this company for fifteen years and I still don't know what the company does.' I said, 'That's rough. How do you get through the day?'

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My boss said, 'I need this report by end of day.' I said, 'What time does end of day start?' He said, 'Five PM.' I said, 'And when does five PM end?'

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My boss said, 'I want you to come up with a growth strategy for Q3.' I spent three days writing a twelve-page plan. I walked in and laid it on his desk.

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My coworker said, 'I always make sure to be transparent in my communication.' I said, 'That's great. So when you told us the project was on track three separate times while it was clearly behind schedule, that was also transparent?'

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My coworker said, 'I always make sure to be a team player.' I said, 'That's great. What does that look like?' He said, 'I sit in the meetings. I nod. And then I go back to my desk and do the work I was already going to do.'

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My boss said, 'I want you to think outside the box.' I said, 'Sir, I don't have a box.'

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My coworker said, 'I always make sure to stay in my lane.' I said, 'That's wise. What does that look like for you?'

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My boss said, 'I need you to stop multitasking. Focus on one thing at a time.' I said, 'You got it, sir.'

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My coworker said, 'I always make sure to circle back on action items.' I said, 'That's great. What do you circle?'

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My boss said, 'I want you to leverage your cross-functional synergies.' I said, 'Sure thing.' He said, 'And?'