Work & Office Jokes

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My boss said, 'I want you to take this feedback constructively.'

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My coworker said, 'I always make sure to be reachable outside of work hours.' I said, 'That's dedication. What does that look like?' He said, 'I check my email at 7 PM. I check it at 9 PM. I check it at 11 PM. I never respond. I just look.'

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My boss said, 'I want you to take ownership of your projects.' I said, 'Sir, I already have. I have fourteen projects. I own all of them.'

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My boss said, 'I want you to think outside the box.' I said, 'I did. I thought about it. I thought about the box. I thought about what's outside the box. I thought about the space between the box and the outside. I came back to the box.'

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My coworker said, 'I always make sure to be a team player.' I said, 'That's great, what does that look like for you?' He said, 'I sit in the middle of the conference room. I nod at everything. I say good point at least four times per meeting.'

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My coworker said, 'I always make sure to align with the team's vision.' I said, 'That's great, what's the vision?' He said, 'I don't know. But I made a slide about it. It's a circle. The circle represents unity. I put my name in the center.' I said, 'That's not alignment. That's a target with a name tag.'

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My boss said, 'I want you to bring more energy to the team.' I said, 'Sir, I bring energy. I bring the energy of a man who sat down at 8:47 AM and it is now 3:15 PM. My energy is a slow leak. It is not gone, but it is definitely not in this room. It is somewhere in the parking lot, sitting in my car, waiting for me to come find it.'

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My boss said, 'I want everyone to be more transparent in their communication. When you say I'll get back to you, I want to know when. When you say it's in progress, I want to know what progress.'

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My boss said, 'I need the report by EOD.' I said, 'What time is EOD?' He said, 'End of day.' I said, 'What time does the day end?'

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My coworker said, 'I always make sure to document everything for legal purposes.' I said, 'That's great, how do you do that?' He said, 'I screenshot every email, every Slack message, every calendar invite. I have a folder called Proof I Was Here. It's 4.2 gigabytes.'

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My boss said, 'I want you to put more heart into your work.' I said, 'Sir, my heart is in my chest. The quarterly report is on a monitor. They are not in the same zip code.'

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My coworker said, 'I really value work-life balance.' I said, 'That's great.' He said, 'Yeah. I left the office at five o'clock yesterday.' I said, 'And?' He said, 'And I sat in my car for forty-five minutes because I didn't want to go home yet. I didn't want to go back to work. I was in the car. In the parking lot. In the neither place.'

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My coworker said, 'I always make sure to follow up on action items.' I said, 'That's great, how do you do that?' He said, 'I write them down in a little notebook.' I said, 'And then?' He said, 'And then I close the notebook.'

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My boss said, 'I need everyone to be more proactive. Stop waiting for instructions.' I said, 'Sure, what should I do?' He said, 'I don't know. That's the proactivity part. Figure it out.'

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My coworker said, 'I really value work-life balance.' I said, 'That's great.' He said, 'Yeah. I left at five o'clock yesterday. I was so proud of myself. I posted about it on LinkedIn.'