53

My kid asked, 'Dad, why do you say "I'm five minutes away" when you've been walking for twenty?' I said, 'Because five minutes is a feeling, not a measurement.' He said, 'Then why do I get in trouble for saying I'm five minutes away from the door when I'm still in my pajamas?' I said, 'Because for me, five minutes is a unit of hope. For you, it's a unit of lying.'

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My kid asked, 'Dad, why do you say "one more episode" when you've already said it four times?' I said, 'Because each one is a new episode.' He said, 'It's the same episode. You said it at the top of the show, at the commercial, at the middle, and at the end. That's not four episodes, that's one episode with four lies.'

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My toddler looked at me and said, 'You look tired.' I said, 'Thanks, buddy.' He said, 'No, I'm not complimenting you. I'm reporting an observation.'