Family Jokes

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My wife said, 'Can you handle the bedtime routine?' I said, 'Sure.' I read two books. My kid said, 'Read one more.' I said, 'We read two.'

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My wife said, 'Can you take the kids to their recital?' I said, 'Sure.' I took them. The recital was forty-five minutes. My daughter sang for ninety seconds. My son played the recorder for one minute and fifteen seconds. I sat in a folding chair in a school gymnasium and listened to a child named Brayden play 'Ode to Joy' on a slightly out-of-tune flute. I clapped. I was the loudest. I was the only one.

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My wife said, 'Can you fold the laundry?' I folded it. She said, 'And put it away?' I said, 'Honey, it's folded. It's in a pile. The pile is on the chair. The chair is in the bedroom. The bedroom is in the house.'

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My son said, 'Dad, can you read me a bedtime story?' I said, 'Sure, what do you want to hear?' He said, 'I want you to read the instructions for the new toaster.' I said, 'That's not a story.'

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My wife said, 'Can you fix the squeaky door?' I walked to the door. I opened it. It didn't squeak. I closed it. It didn't squeak. I opened it again. Still nothing. I went back to my wife. She said, 'Thanks, it's fixed.' I said, 'I didn't fix it.' She said, 'It's not squeaking.'

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My wife said, 'Can you check on the kids?' I went to the living room. The kids were watching a movie. I said, 'Hey, guys, how's it going?' They said, 'Fine.' I went back to my room. My wife said, 'Did you check on them?' I said, 'I went to the room where they are. They were there. I asked a question. They gave an answer. The check is complete.' She said, 'I meant sit down and have a conversation.' I said, 'I had a conversation. It was one sentence long. They responded. That's a conversation with a very low word count, but it's a conversation.'

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My wife said, 'Can you take out the recycling?' I took out the recycling. She said, 'And the compost?' I said, 'Honey, the recycling is the compost. It's the same bag. I put the eggshells in the same bag as the cardboard. The bag has no label. The bag is just a bag. It is a bag of things that are no longer in their original form, and I will not be sorting it into sub-bags.'

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My wife said, 'Can you pick up the kids from soccer practice?' I said, 'Sure.' I went to the field. The practice had ended twenty minutes ago. The coach was gone. The other parents were gone. My kid was sitting on a bench, eating a granola bar, looking at a phone that was not his.

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My son said, 'Dad, can I drive the car?' I said, 'No, buddy, you're five.' He said, 'I can see the road. I can see the other cars. I can see the speed limit.'

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My kid said, 'Mom, why do I have to say I'll help with the dishes?' I said, 'Because you are helping.' He said, 'I am not helping. I am standing at the counter. I am holding a sponge. I am watching you do everything for eleven minutes.'

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My wife said, 'Just take out the trash.' I took out the trash. She said, 'And tie the bag.' I said, 'Honey, I took it out. It's outside.'

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My kid asked, 'Why do we have to say we had a wonderful time at Grandma's house when I spent the entire visit under the table building a fort out of blankets and I did not see a single adult face?'

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My kid said, 'Mom, I'm hungry.' I said, 'I just made dinner forty minutes ago.' He said, 'I know. I'm hungry for the next dinner.' I said, 'The next dinner is in twenty-two hours.' He said, 'Then I'm in a hunger gap. I'm living in the gap, Mom. The gap is my house now. I have a gap address.'

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My wife said, 'Can you organize the garage this weekend?' I said, 'Absolutely.' Saturday morning, I opened the garage door. There was a lawnmower, two bicycles, a shelving unit, a box of Christmas lights, a kayak, and a single sock. I said, 'Honey, where's the other sock?'

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My five-year-old said, 'Mom, can I have a dog?' I said, 'Not right now, buddy. We don't have the space.' He said, 'We have a garage.' I said, 'A garage is not a home for a dog.' He said, 'Where do you keep your car?' I said, 'In the garage.' He said, 'So the garage works for the car. The car doesn't complain. The car doesn't need a walk at six AM. The car is a better pet than a dog.'