Random Jokes

11

We tried a 'potluck Thanksgiving' where everyone brings a dish. My in-laws brought a casserole.

82

My teacher told me to write an essay on what I wanted to be when I grew up.

16

My dog decided to become a professional chef.

6

I told my date I was interested in her hobbies.

0

My five-year-old watched me make a sandwich and said, 'Dad, why do you put the bread on the plate first?' I said, 'Because it's the base.' He said, 'The bread is not a base. The bread is a rectangle. You put a rectangle on a plate. Then you put another rectangle on top. Then there's a sandwich in between. You didn't build a sandwich. You made a bread sandwich. You trapped a sandwich between two breads.'

22

My daughter asked me to 'be her photographer' for school picture day. I said sure, I'd take a few shots.

60

I tried to join the army to get free meals.

74

My kid said, 'Dad, I need to confess something.' I said, 'What?' He said, 'I ate the last cookie and I told Mom it was the cat.'

65

I walked into a bar and said, 'I'll have a drink that tastes like the moment your phone hits 3 percent and you're two blocks from home.'

66

I told my friend I was going on a trip to Switzerland.

62

I told the doctor I had a problem with my vision.

75

My teenager told me I'm embarrassing.

39

I asked the taxi driver how long it would take to get to the airport.

74

I decided to start a business selling silence to people who hate noise.

36

A proton and an electron walk into a bar. The proton orders a drink. The bartender asks the electron if he wants one too.