One-Liners Jokes

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My kid asked me to tell him a bedtime story. I said, 'Once upon a time, there was a man who decided to go to bed early.' He said, 'And?' I said, 'And he went to bed again. And again. And the next morning he was so rested he made toast.' He said, 'Dad, that's not a story. That's a schedule with a bread subplot.'

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My five-year-old asked, 'Why do we say break a leg when we mean good luck?' I said, 'Because it's a tradition from the theater.' He said, 'That's not a tradition.'

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My five-year-old asked me to explain the word 'consequence.' I said, 'It's what happens after you do something.' He said, 'So if I eat the last cookie, the consequence is... I feel good?'

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My five-year-old asked, 'Dad, what does it mean to keep the change?' I said, 'It means the store gives you less money back than you should get.' He said, 'So they just... keep it?' I said, 'Yes.'

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My five-year-old asked me to explain the word 'compromise.' I said, 'It's when you want the blue cup and your sister wants the red cup, so you both get a green one and you both hate it.'

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My kid said, 'Dad, I have a question that needs a really long, thoughtful answer.' I said, 'Okay, I'm ready. I've got time.' He said, 'Why is the bathroom door locked?'

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My five-year-old asked, 'Why do we call it a parking lot if you can't actually park in it? It's full of cars. It's not a lot. It's a parking.'

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My kid asked, 'Dad, why do you say "I'm five minutes away" when you've been walking for twenty?' I said, 'Because five minutes is a feeling, not a measurement.' He said, 'Then why do I get in trouble for saying I'm five minutes away from the door when I'm still in my pajamas?' I said, 'Because for me, five minutes is a unit of hope. For you, it's a unit of lying.'

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My kid asked me to explain the word 'patience.' I said, 'It's the ability to wait without losing your mind.' He said, 'So it's like waiting for the TV to stop buffering?' I said, 'Yes, exactly.' He said, 'Then I have no patience. I turned it off.'

61

I told my kid, 'You know what? You're not a bad kid. You're just a kid who is bad at being a kid.'

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My kid asked me to explain the word 'negotiate.' I said, 'It means two people talk until one of them gives up.'

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My kid looked at me and said, 'Dad, you're standing in the doorway.'

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My kid asked me to read his bedtime story. I opened the book. It said, 'The end.' I said, 'Honey, that's the whole book.'

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My kid asked, 'Dad, why do you say "we'll do it together" when you clearly mean "I'll do it and you'll watch"?' I said, 'That IS doing it together. You're witnessing.' He said, 'That's not together. That's an audience. I'm not part of the activity. I'm part of the front row.'

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My kid asked me to explain the word 'convenient.' I said, 'It means something works out nicely for you.' He said, 'Like when I'm doing homework and the Wi-Fi goes out?' I said, 'No, the opposite, honey.' He said, 'Then why does everyone say "that's so convenient" when they're telling me to do something I don't want to do? That's not convenient. That's a hostage situation with a smile.'