One-Liners Jokes

84

My kid asked, 'Dad, why do you say "one more episode" when you've already said it four times?' I said, 'Because each one is a new episode.' He said, 'It's the same episode. You said it at the top of the show, at the commercial, at the middle, and at the end. That's not four episodes, that's one episode with four lies.'

44

My four-year-old said, 'Dad, why do you say "I'll be there in a sec" when it takes twenty minutes?' I said, 'Because sec is a flexible unit.' He said, 'It's not flexible. I counted. You said it three times. That's three flexible units, and I've been in the car for a long time.'

63

My dad said, 'In my day, we walked ten miles to school in the snow.' I said, 'Dad, you live in Arizona.' He said, 'In my day, it was snow in Arizona.'

27

My dad told me, 'I built this house with my own two hands.' I said, 'Dad, you hired a contractor.' He said, 'I hired him with my own two hands.'

62

My toddler asked, 'Dad, why do you say "I'm five minutes away" when you're in the driveway?'

12

My kid asked, 'Why do adults say "I'll handle it" when they clearly won't?'

69

My four-year-old said, "Dad, I'm going to tell you a secret." I leaned in. He said, "Don't tell anyone." I said, "I won't."

52

My toddler said, "Dad, I want a snack." I said, "What do you want?" He said, "I want a snack." I said, "That's not a snack, that's a category. What KIND of snack?"

55

My friend said, 'I finally learned to say no.' I said, 'That's great! What was the last thing you said no to?' He said, 'A coworker asking me to cover their shift.' I said, 'And?' He said, 'I said no. And then I said yes. And then I said I'd think about it. And then I said yes again. But the first no was real. I felt it. It was beautiful.'

23

My coworker said, 'I'm a morning person.' I said, 'That's great.' He said, 'I mean, I'm awake in the morning. I'm not necessarily productive. I'm just vertically oriented and not in bed. I look at things. I blink. I occasionally make coffee.'

52

My toddler watched me fold a fitted sheet and said, 'Dad, why are you fighting the sheet?'

26

My four-year-old said, 'Dad, why do you say I'm fine when you're clearly not?'

15

My toddler asked me, 'Why do people at work say let's touch base when nobody is touching a base?'

12

My kid asked me why we say 'the other shoe will drop.'

83

My toddler looked at me and said, 'You look tired.' I said, 'Thanks, buddy.' He said, 'No, I'm not complimenting you. I'm reporting an observation.'