Work & Office Jokes

23

I sent an email that said 'Per my last email.' My coworker replied, 'There was no last email.' I said, 'There was. I sent it.' He said, 'You sent it to yourself.'

74

I put 'Open to new opportunities' on my LinkedIn. A recruiter from 2019 found it and emailed me. I said, 'I'm not really open. I'm open the way a jar is open.'

25

My coworker said, 'I'm really good at working from home.'

75

My boss said, 'Let's circle back on this after the meeting.'

69

My coworker said, "I'm great at multi-tasking." I said, "Show me." He said, "I'm listening to this meeting, reading an email, and thinking about lunch."

13

My boss said, "I want you to think of this as a marathon, not a sprint." I said, "Understood." He said, "Great, the marathon starts in ten minutes." I said, "And when does it finish?"

56

My coworker asked me, 'How do you handle it when someone says quick sync in a meeting?' I said, 'I mentally add ninety minutes to the clock.' He said, 'That's extreme.' I said, 'They said quick sync. They then opened a document, scrolled to a section, said so basically, and then said so basically again, and then asked me to take it offline.'

84

My boss said, 'We're a family here.' I said, 'That's great. Do family members get to leave at 5?' He said, 'In a good family, you stay until the job's done.' I said, 'Then I'm in a broken family, because I left at 5 on a Friday and nobody called me.'

6

My coworker said, 'I work best under pressure.' I said, 'That's great. The deadline is in twenty minutes.'

65

My boss said, 'I want to empower you to make decisions.' I said, 'Great. So if I decide to leave at 3 every day, is that empowered?'

27

My boss said, 'I want you to think outside the box.'

79

My coworker asked me, 'What's your five-year plan?' I said, 'I have a five-minute plan. Survive this meeting, get to lunch, survive the next meeting, get to the parking lot.' He said, 'That's not a plan.'

80

My boss said, 'I want this to be a team effort.' I said, 'I hear you.' He said, 'Great. I'll send you the task at 4:58 on Friday.' I said, 'And the team part?'

73

My coworker asked me, 'How do you handle it when someone says quick question in a meeting?' I said, 'I mentally add three hours to the clock.' He said, 'That's extreme.' I said, 'They said quick question. They then presented a seventeen-slide deck, asked for my opinion, asked for my opinion again with slightly different wording, and then said, Oh, and also, can you take that offline?'

40

My manager said, 'I want you to take ownership of this project.' I said, 'I already own it. I'm the only one who knows why the spreadsheet has forty-seven tabs, I was up until 1 AM fixing the formulas, and I've been silently screaming into a pillow for three days.' He said, 'That's not ownership, that's a hostage situation.'