Work & Office Jokes

35

My boss said, 'I want everyone to start using the new project management software. It's self-explanatory.' I said, 'That's the most terrifying sentence I've heard all year.' He said, 'What do you mean?'

81

My coworker asked me, 'How do you stay this calm during deadline week?' I said, 'I don't. I just moved my panic to a different day.'

80

My boss sent an email that said, 'Let's circle back on this.' I replied, 'I've been circling back for three weeks. At this point I've orbited the project twice. I'm requesting a docking station.'

81

My boss said, 'I want you to be more proactive.' I said, 'Great, I'm already on my way to the break room. I was going to wait until someone told me I could get coffee.'

54

My coworker told me he 'works best under pressure.' I said, 'That's great, so what's your ideal deadline?'

41

My boss introduced a new 'open door policy' and said, 'Feel free to come to my office anytime with questions.' I went in to ask about my PTO.

49

Our office has a 'quiet hours' policy from one to two in the afternoon.

65

My boss asked me to 'think outside the box' on the quarterly report.

8

My company has a 'casual Friday' policy. I wore jeans. My coworker wore a t-shirt and flip-flops. My boss wore a turtleneck and said, 'I'm being casual.'

81

My boss told me to 'think of the company as a family.' I said, 'That's great. So does that mean I get to eat from the fridge without asking, sit in the living room, and avoid doing chores?' He said, 'No.'

74

Our office has a suggestion box that hasn't been opened in eight months. I dropped in a note that said, 'Open the box.'

28

My boss told me to 'use company resources more efficiently.'

57

My manager told me to 'take ownership' of the project. So I called HR and said, 'I'd like to file a claim. This project has been neglected for three weeks, and I'm now its legal guardian.'

15

Our office has a 'collaboration wall' where you're supposed to post sticky notes with ideas. I've been watching it for a month. There are eleven sticky notes on it.

40

Our office has a 'wellness room' with a beanbag chair, a yoga mat, and one small succulent.