Money Jokes

61

I told my friend I was 'living paycheck to paycheck.' He said, 'That's tough. How are you managing?' I said, 'I'm not managing. I'm surviving. There's a difference. Managing implies I have a plan.'

50

I told my friend I was going to 'live below my means this year.' He said, 'That's really mature. What does that look like?' I said, 'I'm going to buy one thing instead of two. I'm going to eat at home instead of a restaurant. I'm going to drive instead of taking an Uber.' He said, 'That's just... normal adulting.'

74

I told my wife I was going to 'track every single dollar this month.' She said, 'Great, where are you tracking them?' I said, 'In my head.' She said, 'And how accurate is that?'

56

I told my friend I finally 'started a budget.' He said, 'That's great! What's your biggest category?' I said, 'Regret. I have a whole column for it. It's the biggest. It's always the biggest.'

48

I told my financial advisor I wanted to 'invest in myself.'

45

I told my financial advisor I wanted to 'stop living in the moment.' He said, 'Great. What's your five-year plan?' I said, 'I don't have one.' He said, 'Then how can you stop living in the moment?'

41

I told my friend I was doing a 'no-spend month' to reset my finances. He said, 'That's really disciplined. How's it going?' I said, 'I haven't spent a single dollar.' He said, 'That's impressive.'

10

I told my friend I was 'cutting back on spending.' He said, 'What did you cut?' I said, 'I cut the credit card. With scissors. The bank called. I told them it was a security measure.' They said, 'Sir, you cut it into three pieces and mailed them back.'

59

I told my accountant I wanted to 'minimize my tax burden' this year. He said, 'Great. Let's start with your income. What do you earn?'

14

I told my financial advisor I wanted to 'stop living paycheck to paycheck.' He said, 'Great. What's your biggest recurring expense?'

82

I told my banker I wanted to 'grow my savings.' He said, 'What's your current strategy?' I said, 'I have a jar in the kitchen with a slot in the top. I put coins in it and hope for the best.'

26

I told my financial advisor I wanted to build an emergency fund. He said, 'Great. How much can you set aside monthly?' I said, 'I can set aside the four dollars I have in my checking account, but I'd need to do it in installments.'

28

I told my financial advisor I wanted to 'diversify my portfolio.' He said, 'Great. What do you currently have?' I said, 'A sandwich in the fridge that's been there since Tuesday and a twelve-dollar Amazon gift card.'

27

I told my kid I was 'investing in the future' by buying a new vacuum cleaner. He looked at me and said, 'That's not the future. That's the carpet. And the carpet already exists.'

52

My kid asked why we can't buy the two-hundred-dollar toy. I said, 'Because money doesn't grow on trees.' He pointed at my wallet.