Holiday Jokes

50

My kid asked, 'Why do we wrap presents if we're going to rip the paper off in four seconds?' I said, 'It's about the presentation.' He said, 'The presentation IS the ripping. That's the whole show. You spend twenty minutes wrapping, they spend four seconds destroying it, and then they say Thanks, Dad, like you gave them the paper. The paper is the villain. You're the villain's assistant.'

16

My kid made his Easter basket and said, 'I'm putting the chocolate eggs in the back.' I said, 'Why the back?'

15

My kid asked, 'Why do we eat turkey on Thanksgiving and not any other day?'

72

My kid made his Christmas list and said, 'I'm asking for a bicycle.'

21

My kid asked me, 'Why do we say happy holidays to people we know are sad?' I said, 'It's a general greeting.' He said, 'That's not a greeting, that's a denial. You're looking at their face, they're clearly not happy, and you're saying happy holidays like a robot reading a script. It's like saying enjoy your flight to someone who's already crying at the gate.'

79

My kid asked me, 'Why do we have to say Merry Christmas to people we've never met?' I said, 'It's polite.' He said, 'I've never met the mailman. I don't know his name. I don't know if he's merry. He might be having a really bad day and the only thing he wants to hear is that his package is in the lobby.' I said, 'That's not what I said.'

68

My kid asked me, 'Why do we open presents on Christmas morning instead of Christmas night? Santa already delivered them. We should just open them while he's still in the room.' I said, 'Because that's how it works.' He said, 'That's not how it works. That's how we do it. There's a difference.' I said, 'What's the difference?'

5

My kid made a Thanksgiving 'helping' plan. He said, 'I'm in charge of the potatoes.' I said, 'That's great! What's your specific role?' He said, 'I'm in charge of making sure nobody forgets to eat them. I'm the potato supervisor.' I said, 'That's a real job.'

25

My kid asked why we put the tree up before Christmas. I said, 'So it's ready.' He said, 'But it's been ready for two weeks. It's been sitting there being ready. When does it get to stop being ready?' I said, 'On the 25th.' He said, 'And then what?' I said, 'And then we take it down.'

32

We tried a 'family movie night' for the holidays. My kid picked a two-hour animated film. Thirty minutes in, he said, 'This is good.' An hour in, he said, 'This is still good.' An hour and forty minutes in, he said, 'Okay, I'm done. I'm going to go eat a snack.' We were at the credits. He said, 'Why is the movie still on? It's over. Go home.'

33

My kid asked Santa for 'a dog' on his Christmas list. I said, 'Buddy, that's a pretty big ask for a letter.' He said, 'I wrote it in the big blue pen. That's how you make it sound serious.'

34

My kid asked me, 'Why do we have to wait until Christmas morning to open presents?' I said, 'Because that's the tradition.'

61

My kid asked me, 'Why does Santa only come once a year?' I said, 'Because he's very busy.'

45

I told my kid that Christmas is about 'giving, not getting.'

60

I told my kid he could write one letter to Santa, up to fifty lines. He used all fifty.