One-Liners Jokes

30

My toddler asked me to 'put on my thinking face' before dinner.

43

My kid asked me, 'Dad, why do adults say we'll cross that bridge when we get to it?' I said, 'Because they're too lazy to cross it now.' He said, 'So it's not a metaphor?' I said, 'It's the most literal thing I've ever said to you.'

24

My son asked me, 'Dad, what does I'll get to it mean?' I said, 'It means I will eventually do the thing.' He said, 'So eventually is a time?' I said, 'It's more of a... vibe.'

54

I told my friend I've been 'working on my communication skills.' He said, 'That's great. How's it going?'

16

My toddler asked me, 'Dad, why do we have to share?' I said, 'Because there's only one cookie left.' He looked at me very seriously.

23

My kid asked me to 'fix the Wi-Fi' so he could watch his school science video. I walked over, reset the router, and came back. He was already watching it. Then he looked at me.

33

I told my wife I was going to 'just be in the background tonight.' She said, 'Great, you can be the background of the family photo.' I said, 'I'd rather be in the foreground.' She said, 'No. You're the blur on the left edge.'

10

My daughter asked me to 'pretend to be a dinosaur' so she could practice her roar. I roared. She roared louder. I roared even louder. She started crying.

24

I told my wife I was going to 'just check the thermostat' in the other room. It's been forty-five minutes.

81

My toddler asked me to explain what a deadline is, and I said it's when something has to be finished by a certain time.

58

I told my wife I was going to organize the garage this weekend and asked her to write down a plan for me.

29

I finally learned how to fold fitted sheets perfectly last week.

34

My shadow asked me if it was time to move on.

45

I invented a new word today that means having too many passwords to remember.

28

My grandfather says he's too old to learn video games because the controllers are too slippery.