Doctor Jokes

46

My doctor said, 'You need to reduce your screen time.' I said, 'Doc, I already do. I only look at my phone for forty-five minutes at a time. I used to do it for two hours straight.' He said, 'That's not a reduction, that's a longer version of the same problem.'

53

My doctor said, 'How's your sleep?' I said, 'I sleep fine. I just don't do it at the same time. One night it's 9 PM. The next night it's 2 AM. The night after that it's 4 PM because I fell asleep in the car.' He said, 'That's not a sleep schedule. That's a sleep lottery.'

25

My doctor said, 'You need to do more stretching.' I said, 'Doc, I stretch every day. I reach for the top shelf at the grocery store.' He said, 'That's not stretching. That's a cry for help with a bag of cereal.'

23

My doctor said, 'You need to start saying no more often.' I said, 'I do! I say no to every single quick question email my boss sends. I just... say it in my head. Then I answer it in eleven minutes.'

77

My doctor told me I need to 'take more calcium.' I said, 'Doc, I'm fifty-three. I've been taking calcium supplements for six years. My knees still make sounds like a bag of frozen peas.'

15

My doctor told me, 'You need to stop checking your phone at the dinner table.'

71

I told my doctor I've been breaking every bone in my body in my sleep. He said, 'That's very unusual. What do you do for a living?'

44

My doctor told me, 'Your bloodwork looks great. The only concern is your cholesterol.'

69

My doctor asked me, 'What do you do for fun on weekends?'

5

My doctor told me to 'cut back on processed foods.' I said, 'Doc, I'm a dad of a five-year-old. My processed food intake is me standing in the kitchen at 8 PM eating a granola bar while he's in the bathtub having a conversation with a rubber duck about whether penguins can fly.'

23

My doctor told me I need to 'get more sunlight.' I said, 'Doc, I work in a basement office. My window looks at a brick wall. My sun exposure comes from the fluorescent light that flickers at 3 PM.'

28

My doctor told me to 'reduce my stress levels.'

81

My doctor told me I need to 'be more present in the moment.'

44

I told my doctor I've been 'feeling like a refrigerator.' He said, 'How do you mean?' I said, 'I open, I close, I open again. Nothing is ever where I left it. And I hum when I'm anxious.'

18

My doctor told me I need to 'practice mindfulness.' I said, 'Doc, I tried. I meditated for thirty seconds, realized I left the oven on, and sprinted to the kitchen in my bathrobe.'