Doctor Jokes

59

I told my doctor I've been feeling like a vending machine lately. He said, 'How so?' I said, 'I give out the same snack every single time, I get jammed when I'm stressed, and people keep shaking me like I'm going to cooperate.'

75

I told my doctor I've been 'hearing things that aren't there.' He said, 'What do you mean?'

79

My doctor told me to 'try a new exercise routine.' I said, 'Doc, I tried jumping jacks.' He said, 'And?'

83

My doctor told me to 'keep a food diary' for two weeks so she could track my eating habits. I kept a food diary. I brought it to my follow-up appointment.

44

My doctor told me I need to 'stop taking everything personally.' I looked at him and said, 'Doc, you're sitting in a chair going through my bloodwork. Of course I'm taking this personally.'

22

My doctor said I need to 'find a healthy outlet for my stress.' I said, 'Doc, I already have one. It's my coworker. I yell at him every Thursday and I feel great by Friday.'

45

My doctor told me I need to 'stop catastrophizing.' I said, 'Doc, if I don't catastrophize, how am I supposed to know when something is actually an emergency?'

75

My doctor told me I need to 'reduce my stress.' I said, 'Doc, I'm trying. I meditate, I walk, I do breathing exercises.' He said, 'And?'

61

I told my doctor I've been feeling like a sponge lately. He said, 'What do you mean?' I said, 'I soak up everything, I'm a mess, and I keep dripping on things I don't want to drip on.'

55

I told my doctor I've been feeling like I'm running on empty. He said, 'Have you been eating enough?' I said, 'I've been eating a lot. I'm just running on it really fast.'

26

My doctor told me I need to 'take it easy on the weekends.' I said, 'Doctor, I'm a parent of a three-year-old. Weekends are the only time I take it easy, and even then it's a stretch.'

13

I told my doctor I've been feeling invisible lately, and he said, 'Well, let's start with a full physical.'

6

My doctor told me I should eat less and move more, and I said, 'Doc, I already eat less. I mostly just move less.'

84

The specialist told me to exercise more to improve my blood pressure.

68

I told my doctor that he should charge patients by the thought.