Doctor Jokes

67

My pediatrician asked my five-year-old, 'Do you eat your vegetables?' My kid looked at me. I said, 'Tell the doctor the truth.' My kid said, 'I eat my vegetables. I eat them, I chew them, and I put them on the edge of my plate where nobody can see me not finishing them.'

5

I told my dentist, 'I grind my teeth at night.' She said, 'How do you know?' I said, 'My wife says I sound like a lawnmower.' She said, 'That's not a grinding sound. That's a startup sound.'

49

My doctor said, 'How many times a day do you check your phone?'

47

My doctor said, 'How would you describe your energy levels?'

43

My doctor said, "You need to practice mindfulness." I said, "Doc, I do. I stare at the microwave for the full ninety seconds and I do not open it until the timer beeps."

26

My doctor said, "You need to cut back on processed food." I said, "Doc, I already do. I only eat it at night."

50

My doctor said, 'You need to manage your stress better.' I said, 'I do manage it. I just do it by staring at the ceiling fan for six hours and letting my brain replay every awkward thing I've said since 2003.' He said, 'That's not stress management, that's stress archaeology.'

29

My doctor said, 'You need to find a hobby.' I said, 'I have hobbies. I reorganize the spice rack by color. I listen to my neighbor argue about the thermostat for forty-five minutes. And I watch the mailman walk up to my house, look at the door, and walk back to his truck.' He said, 'Those aren't hobbies, those are things that happen to you.'

77

My doctor said, 'You need to reduce your caffeine intake.' I said, 'Doc, I already have. I used to have four coffees. Now I have three and a half.'

82

My doctor said, 'You need to start a daily walk.' I said, 'I walk every day. Couch to fridge, fridge to couch, couch to bathroom, bathroom to couch.'

75

My doctor said, 'You need to reduce your salt intake.' I said, 'Doc, I already do. I only salt my food once.'

61

My doctor asked, 'Do you exercise regularly?' I said, 'I walk to the mailbox every single day.'

78

My doctor said, 'How many hours of sleep do you get?' I said, 'Eight.' He said, 'Great! And how many hours of actual sleep?' I said, 'I don't know. I'm in bed for eight hours. I fall asleep around two of them. The other six are a negotiation with my phone where the phone always wins.'

36

My doctor said, 'You need to cut back on sugar.' I said, 'Doc, I already do. I only have two pieces of chocolate a day.' He said, 'And what do you mean by two pieces?' I said, 'I break a bar in half. I call each half a piece. I eat both halves.' He said, 'That's the whole bar.'

19

My doctor said, 'You need to stop multitasking.' I said, 'I don't multitask. I do one thing at a time, but I do it while also doing another thing, and sometimes a third thing, but I'd never call that multitasking.' He said, 'You just described multitasking.'