Family Jokes

70

My mom called and said, 'I'm visiting next weekend.' I said, 'That's great, Mom!' She said, 'I'm bringing my own bedding.' I said, 'You don't need to do that.' She said, 'I'm bringing my own thermostat settings too.'

33

My wife said, 'Can you pick up milk on the way home?'

66

My wife said, 'Can you fold the laundry?'

80

My wife said, "Can you do the dishes?" I said, "Sure." I did the dishes. She said, "And the counter." I said, "You said dishes."

68

My son asked, "Dad, why do you open the fridge, close it, open it again, close it again, and then walk back to the couch?" I said, "I was checking for a snack."

13

My toddler asked me, 'Dad, why do you say five more minutes when you clearly need forty?' I said, 'Because five sounds manageable.' He said, 'It's not manageable. You've said it four times. That's twenty minutes. You're using a small number to hide a big number.' I said, 'I'm not hiding it, I'm... rounding.'

77

My wife said, 'Can you handle dinner tonight?' I said, 'Sure.' She said, 'And the kids.' I said, 'I'm handling dinner.' She said, 'And the dishes.' I said, 'I said I'm handling dinner. That's a complete thought.' She said, 'Dinner happens on plates.'

70

My toddler asked me, 'Why do we say hold on when you're clearly not holding on?'

31

My wife said, 'Can you handle the bedtime routine?' I handled it. Toothbrushing, pajamas, story, lights out. My son said, 'Dad, I need one more story.'

34

My four-year-old said, 'Dad, I'm going to tell you a secret.' I leaned in.

76

My wife said, 'Can you take the kids to the park?' I took them. My son wanted to swing. My daughter wanted to slide. My toddler wanted to sit in the sandbox and stare at me.

18

My four-year-old asked me, 'Dad, why do you say I'll be right there when you're clearly in the other room doing something on your phone?' I said, 'Because I will be there. Eventually.' He said, 'That's not right. That's eventually with a delay. Right means now. Eventually means after you finish the thing you don't want me to know you're doing.' I said, 'What am I doing?'

23

My wife asked me to 'take out the trash.' I took out the trash. She said, 'And the recycling.' I said, 'You said trash.' She said, 'I said take out the trash. That's a phrase. It means take out all the things from the kitchen that need to go outside.'

35

My daughter asked me to 'help her with her homework.' I sat at the kitchen table. She pulled out a worksheet. I said, 'What do you need help with?' She said, 'Everything.' I said, 'Okay, let's start with number one.' She said, 'No. I need you to help me with the concept of why I have to do number one.' I said, 'Because it's homework.'

75

My wife asked me to 'just check on the kids' while she was in the shower. I went upstairs. My son was building a tower out of cereal boxes. My daughter was using the tower as a fort. My toddler was inside the fort, eating a handful of Cheerios, looking up at me with absolute confidence. I said, 'Is everything okay in here?' He said, 'I'm the king. You can't come in. This is a sovereign nation.' I said, 'Do you need a snack?'