Family Jokes

83

My wife told me to 'plan a date night' and I said, 'Sure, what do you want to do?'

42

My son asked me to 'be his bodyguard' to the park. I walked behind him, scanned the perimeter, and checked for threats. He said, 'Dad, the actual threat is that I have to walk for twenty minutes.' I said, 'I see. I'll handle the twenty minutes.'

53

My wife asked me to 'help around the house this weekend.' I mopped the kitchen floor. She said, 'And the bathroom.' I said, 'I mopped the kitchen. That's one help. The bathroom is a second help. Different room, different help. I'll send you an invoice.'

69

My kid asked me, 'Dad, why do you always say I'm in the kitchen when I call for you?' I said, 'Because I'm not in the kitchen. I'm in the hallway. But I'm explaining why.'

73

My wife told me to 'just be present with the kids tonight.' I sat on the couch, made eye contact with my son, and said, 'I am here.' He said, 'You've been here for three hours.'

29

My daughter asked me to 'be her knight in shining armor' for a school play. I wore a suit, held a broom handle, and performed exactly one knightly act: I opened a door. She was very impressed.

41

My son asked me to read him a bedtime story. I opened the book, read two pages, and he fell asleep. He woke up at 2 AM and said, 'Dad, you missed the part where the dragon dies.' I said, 'There is no dragon.'

69

My son asked me to 'be his superhero' for Halloween. I put on a cape, a mask, and my best 'I can do anything' face.

62

My wife asked me to 'surprise her' for our anniversary. I made dinner, cleaned the house, and booked a restaurant for Friday night.

61

My wife told me to 'take out the trash' on a Tuesday. I took out the trash. She said, 'And the recycling.' I took out the recycling. She said, 'And the compost.' I said, 'We don't have compost.'

25

My son asked me to 'hold his hand through the crosswalk' like in the movies. I held his hand. He held the other hand. I looked down. He was gripping my hand with both of his hands.

14

My brother asked me to watch his kid for an hour while he went to a meeting. I watched the kid for an hour. The kid watched me for an hour.

52

My daughter asked why we can't have a pet dragon. I said, 'Because they're not real.' She said, 'Exactly. You don't know what they're like. I've seen the documentaries.'

76

My brother asked me to help him move and I showed up with a truck, a dolly, and a six-pack of water.

41

My mom called to announce she's 'retiring' from the family group chat after eleven years of active participation.