Family Jokes

53

My son asked me to help him with his 'time management.' I said, 'What do you mean?' He said, 'I have to do homework, then dinner, then bath, then bed. But I also have to build a rocket.' I said, 'The rocket can wait.' He said, 'So I have to build it in my sleep.'

81

My wife said, 'Can you fix the faucet?' I walked into the kitchen, turned the handle off, turned it on, turned it off again, and said, 'It's fixed.' She said, 'I said the water drips when it's off.' I said, 'And now it doesn't.' She said, 'It was never dripping. I was testing you.'

17

My son asked me to 'help him build a fort.' I got the couch cushions, the blankets, the pillows. We built the most elaborate structure you've ever seen. He crawled in, looked around, and said, 'It's good. But can we also build a fort inside the fort? A smaller one. For my stuffed animals.'

14

My wife told me to 'fold the laundry.' I folded every shirt, every pair of pants, every towel. I neatly stacked them and put them in the drawers. She came home and said, 'I said fold them.' I said, 'I did. Twice.' She said, 'I said fold them INTO the drawers. Shirts top, pants bottom, towels left.' I said, 'Those are instructions for a filing system, not laundry.' She said, 'Then it's a filing system.'

58

My wife handed me a list of seven things to do around the house. I did one.

18

My wife asked me to pick up 'a few eggs' on the way home. I got six.

22

My daughter asked me to 'be her photographer' for school picture day. I said sure, I'd take a few shots.

32

My wife asked me to 'just handle the kids tonight, I need an hour.'

39

My son asked me to 'read him a bedtime story.' I opened a book. He said, 'Not that one. The bear one.' I said, 'We've read that one four times this week.' He said, 'I know. But this time I want you to do the bear's voice differently.'

53

My son asked me to 'be his superhero' for his school play. I put on a cape. He looked me up and down and said, 'You also need a mask.' I said, 'I have a face, that counts.'

55

My son asked me, 'Dad, why do you always say I'll be right there when I call you from the other room?' I said, 'Because I'm not right there. I'm over here. And I'm explaining why.' He said, 'So it's a lie.'

26

My wife said, 'Can you take out the trash?' I said, 'What time?' She said, 'Now.'

61

My son asked me to 'drive him to the park.' I said, 'Sure, which park?' He said, 'The one with the swing.' I said, 'There are fourteen parks with swings in this city.'

20

My wife told me to 'stop narrating our life like a nature documentary.' I said, 'I wasn't narrating. I was providing context.' She said, 'You said, And there he is, the father, attempting to fold a fitted sheet, with great determination and absolutely no skill.'

60

My kid asked me to 'be his teacher' for a school project about family roles.